Manda Panda

my halloween wish(es)

2010-10-31T21:29:00.000-07:00

i would give ANYTHING to be genuinely happy again. i haven't been happy in i don't even know how long, and it sucks. the thing is, no one knows that i feel this way, and the ones that do pick up on me being super sad and stuff are always like "what's wrong? cheer up!" and i always want to smack them and say "don't you think that if i could help feeling like this, i would?" i mean, seriously? why on earth would i want to feel this sad and depressed this much? i think part of it is, i just don't feel like i completely belong anywhere, i mean sometimes i think i do, but then i feel like people get tired of me or something. idk, i always think that i have really awesome friends, and then sometimes when we're together i get the feeling like they just wish i would go away. i'm terrified that this is gonna happen with my best friend right now, cause we're kinda getting to the point where my truly awesome friends start forsaking me for new friends or better friends. they'll stop telling me when the group is going somewhere or doing something, and i always try really hard to include everyone in group stuff. i just don't know why i feel like people don't like me, i go through groups of friends super fast, and it sucks, i just wish i knew what i was doing so i could know if i could fix it or not. i just wish people liked me

2010-07-15T23:39:00.000-07:00

her heart was left stranded. it was hurt and alone, no one it could turn to, left in turmoil, spiraling into a dark, bottomless abyss.

i'm drowning in a sea of my own sadness, frustration, anger. struggling, gasping for a breath. looking for some release, refuge. "it's all your fault." the doubts scream in my head, "this is all your own doing. what's the matter with you? why can't you just be happy? normal?" i'm so mad! when did my own thoughts decide to turn on me? and why is this MY fault? i scream. my lungs fill with water. i feel arms around my waist, pulling me up and up, toward air, toward refuge from this hell, but it doesn't matter, my lungs burn, and the voices are still screaming in my head. "you're worthless! you'll never be any good at anything. why would someone save you?" i try to shut them up by screaming, "because someone cares! i matter to someone! just SHUT UP!" i'm crying now. someone breathes air into me. i can hear him saying "NO! you are NOT going to die!" i cough and turn over, gasping in air. i can hear him sigh in relief. i look up at my savior, and smile, i haven't seen him in years. Matt. "i thought you had forgotten about me by now." he smiles back and says, "Never."

joy is like being filled to the brim by the ocean. it purs in until you are so full of it that you feel as though you are going to explode.

what's going on?

2009-07-16T23:04:00.000-07:00

i've been feeling weird lately. kinda lonely, but not, kinda sad, but not. i don't know what to do, or what these feelings are coming from and it's frustrating. i had a dream last night and i was at my church in sonoma and someone in my family was getting married (my aunt? weird cause she's already married) anyway, but there was also a play being put on there with chico theatre people. and ben (one of my very best friends) was there to see it since he had friends in it. he came up to me and gave me a hug and asked what i was doing there so i told him and he told me what he was doing there and we sat down to watch a rehearsal of the play and he took my hand and starts caressing it with one hand and puts his other arm around me and i lean up against him and everything, but the entire time i'm thinking that this is really weird since he has a girlfriend (and for the record i don't like her, i don't know why, i just dont) but for the rest of the dream we kept being all lovey and shit, and it was just weird. but i kept having to run off and do stuff for the wedding and he was like following me and helping me and it was a weird dream. oh and there was this guy sitting on the other side of ben who apparently thought we were together or something or thought i had been giving him signs that i wanted to date him and he got really mad when ben and i got all cuddly but he kept saying "you were giving me signs like you wanted to be with me!" and everytime he tried to point something out all i could say was "i did?" or "i was? i'm sorry." i wanna talk to ellen about it, but she's busy in slo and santa barbara and idk when she'll be back. damn, i miss her. it takes a lot for me to feel comfortable enough with people to want to talk about this kind of stuff. but i feel really comfortable talking to her, i can't even usually talk about this kind of stuff with my family which is kinda sad, but ya know, whatevs. i need to widen my circle of people i trust, but i've been hurt so many times that i tend to guard myself closely. but anyway, i want ellen to come home so i can talk to her

i don't care

2009-04-21T23:22:00.000-07:00

here's the thing, i don't care about drama. i'm trying to stay out of it, but here's the problem, two of my best friends won't stop talking to me about their drama. i love them both dearly, but really? i went to Reno Dance Sensation this last weekend and i was determined that i was gonna have a good time no matter what, but one of those friends also went and she was obsessed with this guy that she USED to date, and he has a new girlfriend, and my friend doesn't like the new gf, frankly i don't like her either, but it is his choice and i'm not gonna let the fact that this new chick is a bitch bring ruin my entire weekend. and she shouldn't have let it bother her either, especially when previously she had been going on an one about this guy that they were together for a while and he wanted to take a break and they probably will get back together. but OH MY GOD, i'm DONE. i can barely deal with my shit (school and friends and the fact that i like someone too) so i sure as hell can't deal with my shit AND someone elses!! jeez guys, figure it out and stop coming to me! i did that thing in high school, but, NEWS FLASH, we're not in high school anymore! sorry, that is my venting moment

Bozo or Boaz?

2009-04-16T20:41:00.000-07:00

i went to my church small group and it was Mikaela's turn to share from this book, and the book is called "A Man Worth Waiting For" and basically it is saying to wait for your Boaz, who is this amazing guy in the book of Ruth, and basically the story goes: Ruth and Orpah were married to these guys who were sons of this woman named Naomi and her sons were killed somehow so Naomi was going to go back to the town she was from and she told her daughters in law not to come with her because it would be hard for them to make a life in a place that they did not come from and Orpah stayed in Moab but Ruth clung to Naomi basically saying "where you go, i will follow" so Ruth went with Naomi and since they had no way to make a livlihood (sp? if it's wrong, my spell check isn't fixing it) so the only way they could get food would be to glean the fields, which was basically going behind the reapers (the people who were sowing the crops) and gleaning was when you went behind them and picked up whatever was left. well this guy named Boaz, who was indirectly related to Naomi through her husband, who also died, saw Ruth gleaning the fields and asked why she was doing that and she told him about her and her mother-in-law and he basically told her that she should only glean in his fields and told his worker to not bother her and leave a certain amount of everything they sowed for her to glean, and he said that she could drink water that they had drawn when she got thirsty and he let her eat with them near the end of the day and when she went home to Naomi, Naomi asked her how she had come home with so much food and who had put her in their favor so Ruth told Naomi about Boaz and Naomi told her about the relation an eventually Ruth and Boaz got married and yeah that's basically the end of the story of Ruth (it's a short book) (if you want to read the full story read Ruth, yes all of it, it's only 4 chapters)

this book is also about avoiding the "bozos" who she connects to Prince Amnon who is this totally creepy guy who falls into lust with his SISTER, and gets "sick" and calls her to take care of him, basically taking advantage of the fact that she will take care of him and wants to get her alone so he can try and basically rape her and she says that she will not, that it will disgrace her and him and basically that she would marry him, but that she would not do this thing. he would not listen to her and since he was stronger he raped her, but after he hated her with such a strong hatred that it overpowered the "love" he had felt for her in the first place so he tried to send her out but she said that that would disgrace her even more than what he had already done to her but once again he would not listen and had a servent remove her from his chamber and had the door bolted after her. and the other brother eventually avenged the sister by killing Amnon. (if you want to read the full story read 2 Samuel 13)

and when my church small group was discussing these stories and everything i was thinking about how the Bozo or Boaz could relate to my own life and i came up with the guy i have a crush on and how he is Christian and basically everything that the book would call a Boaz, but how do i know if he is MY Boaz? I mean, i don't really know all that much about him. i know we get along pretty well and we both dance and we are both Christian (like hardcore Christian) and we are both really musical (been in music since early elementary school) but i don't know for sure if he'd be my Boaz, and trust me, i don't expect to find my Boaz any time in the immediate future (hey, i'm only 18!) but it just got me thinking, how can i know this about anyone? someone can seem like a Boaz and really be a Bozo. how can anyone really be sure? i know that i'm probably over thinking this entire thing, but that's what i do, i over analyze EVERYTHING.

The Best Day

2009-04-04T16:29:00.000-07:00

maybe not, but it's pretty damn close. i don't even know how it is such an amazing day today, since i keep remembering that i have a piano recital thing on tuesday and a paper due for piano due on tuesday. and i have barely started practicing and i haven't started the paper. but today is still an amazing day. i did laundry and talked to one of my best friends and my mom, i'm writing a letter to one of my best friends, i had a very short text conversation with a friend and she still hasn't responded, but w/e. i've spent basically the whole day listening to music and looking at costume patterns with my mom via facebook, she'd send me a link and i'd look at it and decide if it would work or not. we were looking at old fashioned costumes. i'm such a dork, i LOVE old fashioned things. one of my favorite eras of costumes is victorian, they are so elegant and so gorgeous. my mom was also trying to find patterens for stuff for me to wear when i go to lindy stuff, she found some shirts and a pattern for hollywood pants (yes seriously) idk, today was a good day, i'm in a weird/good mood. maybe my mood is a reflection of the weather, maybe i'm excited for dancing tonight. i don't know! but today is still amazing. dancing tonight should be hella fun, as usual, well actually i've had times where i didn't have a good time dancing. i don't even know how it happened, i guess i wasn't in a dancing mood (weird, i know) but i'm really excited to go dancing tonight, i only hope that they play some lindy music, ok i'm gonna be done blathering now, hope you all have a fantastic day!

I think I'll try defying gravity, and you can't pull me down!

2009-03-24T16:27:00.000-07:00

in case you couldn't tell i'm really hyper and happy, for a few reasons actually, the main one is i spent the ENTIRE WEEKEND doing lindy hop social dancing and it was EPIC!!!!(if you don't know what lindy is, here, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myJj0mNNe1Y) and they guy i like was there *grins* (and if you know me, like i've been talking to you about it *cough*ellen*cough* you know who it is) it was awesome, it was SOOOOOOOOO much fun, i learned so much more in those three days than i did in like 3 weeks of lindy lessson (sorry evan, but i learn more social dancing) i do believe that lindy is my new favorite dance, yes, that's right, i'm addicted to a dance that is so fast and upbeat that it makes it hard for me to breath sometimes, and no i don't know aerials yet (like jumps and flips, evan even chastised me for not doing a silly pose at the end of our dance, but i was so tired i was afraid i would collapse) and this is how crazy evan is (he's the Monday night lindy teacher)there was a guy in class last night who got his shimmies and his triple steps mixed up (yes, it actually happened) he thought a shimmy was a triple step (and yes i was dancing with this guy at the time, to be fair, he was new) and we were doing something where the girls spin out and the guys just kinda stay there and this guy went "do the guys shimmy when the girls spin?" and evan started cracking up and his face lit up and was like "SURE" and proceeded to demonstrate and becky, the female teacher, kinda sighed and looked at my partner and said "thank you, now he's gonna do that from now on" then evan shimmied again and collapsed on the floor in a fit of laughter and my partner was like "oh, that's a shimmy?" and we all erupted in laughter (well more than we already were) and nodded and the few of us that could catch our breath said "yes, THAT is a shimmy" and he said "i thought THIS was a shimmy" and proceeded to triple step and evan said, THAT is a triple step" it was a great moment and earlier josh had to follow since we were lead heavy, but josh can follow, so there was a huge conversation about that and evan comes out with "josh swings both ways, he leads AND follows" and we all started cracking up cause it is a swing class (haha he swings? nvm) and josh looked like he was about to say something in rebuttal and finally came out with "that...that was clever" in the tone of voice that said "that was too clever to be mad at" it was a great class, i'm glad i went

hmmm, i've been ranting on for so long that i can't remember what the original intention of this post was, or even if i've deviated, oh well, i'll be done now, i'm gonna go be bored out of my mind doing something else

SPRING BREAK

2009-03-17T15:09:00.000-07:00

i am OFFICIALLY on spring break!! well TECHNICALLY spring break started on Friday when i got out of class, but i didn't leave chico till Saturday at like 1 pm. so far it is going great! friday night i hung out with friends till like 3 or 3:30, i love those nights that you lose track of time just hanging out and having a blast. oh and we watched Phantom of the Opera, which was actually the guys' idea, yeah seriously, i love these guys, they are total geeks, and to their credit we did watch a couple of episodes of "Firefly" before Phantom. over half of the shit they were talking about went right over my head, but i still had fun hanging out with all of them. so yeah i woke up and drove Sami to her boyfriend's house and then i left to come HOME!! it is great to be home, but i didn't really get a real break till today since today is the first day i've been home that i didn't spend at my aunt's new house helping her move and get things ready to actually live there! but i've been having fun since my aunt is so incredibly awesome and insane! but i guess the insane comes with being in the family. and today i was going to spend the day hanging out at the high school but i kinda lost track of time and i don't want to bother people at Fiddler rehearsals since opening night is Friday and i know from experience that Mrs. Martin and Mrs. McElroy will be on edge and insane and ready to bite anyone's head off that inhibits productivity so yeah, i skipped out on that, i THINK band is tomorrow morning so i'll probably go to that, and even if it is choir, i'll still go, i'm trying to remember the High School's schedule, and it is BARELY working. ANYWAY, i think this week is going to be fun, especially this weekEND, since i'm going Sacramento Lindy Exchange (SLX, why "x" stands for Exchange, idk so don't ask) yeah i'm all excited for that, three days of full on lindy hopping!! lindy is a recent skill i've acquired, so i'm not very good, but i want to get better! yeah basically my spring break is full of fun (and not so much fun) things to do, and it's only half over! i'm excited now, the only thing that i wish were different was that i wish that i got to hang out with my friends more, hmmm, i might try and get a hold of some of them, but idk if it will work out that way. oh well, what happens, happens, right?

i'm having issues

2009-02-23T15:47:00.000-08:00

this is nothing like my usual issues that have something to do with boy drama or some shit like that, this is a bit more extreme. i went to school friday morning thinking that everything was going to be fine i had three classes and the first part of a career workshop so i knew i wasn't gonna get home till like 5:30 or 6. so i got home and i was gonna go to dinner with my friends, but i needed to drop my stuff off at my room first and Anna, one of my suitemates, told me that Bethany, my other suitemate, was in the hospital for alcohol poisoning and she asked me if we could go visit her the next day, i had the second part of the career workshop and a choir thing the next day, but i told her that i would e-mail my teacher to see if i could go late so i did and went to dinner with my friends and told them what happened, so we were at dinner and one of the RAs, who is one of Bethany's best friends, came up to me and asked if i had heard about Bethany and i said "yeah, Anna just told me" so Alex, the RA said that they thought that Bethany was dead since her BAC was somewhere around .43% (and most people are dead before .40%) or something and i later found out that her breathing rate was 5 per minute when if your breathing rate is 6 or less per minute, you're basically dead. so when i heard that i freaked out, like, i'm a natural worryer, i worry over the stupidest shit there is so this really had me freaked out, Erin, one of my friends who is also an EMT said "oh, she'll be fine" and i KNEW that she'd be okay, but i'm basicially a mother so if there is a problem, i have to fix it, and there was a problem and i COULDN'T fix it, so yeah, i was freaking out. but i went on with life as normal and did the thing the next day and Anna texted me the next day to see when i could go visit Bethany, and i said well i'm in this thing till 3:30 but i talked to my choir teacher and he said it was okay to show up late, so she texted back and said, "oh, nevermind, she's coming home today" so i did the rest of my shit for that day and then i didn't actually see her till Sunday and i want to talk to her about it and everything, like, i just want to let her know that she had me worried and that i care about her, but she has so many people talking to her about it that i'm sure she is tired of it, so i think i'm just gonna treat her like nothing happened, which is what i think she needs, *sigh* i don't know, it was a stressful weekend

thank god for wake up calls

2009-01-26T16:26:00.001-08:00

so you guys remember that boy issue i had a while back, so i was the saddest excuse for a human ever, cause over 3 months later, i still wasn't over him, and i was talking to him via myspace and he called me melissa! hello? how do you forget someone's name when you had THREE classes with them, AND they told you that they had a MAJOR crush on you? for some STRANGE reason i would think that that would stick in your memory! just a little bit! so i've decided that if he can't even remember my name after all this time, that he is SOOOOOOOOO not worth my time! like i said, THANK GOD FOR WAKE UP CALLS, and all i can say is that IT'S ABOUT FREAKING TIME, ok i'm done

for your information

2009-01-24T20:40:00.001-08:00

i have another blog, i will still be posting on this one for everyday stuff, or just random updates, but the other one will be used for stories, lyrics, or anything creative that pops into my head, so i just wanted to let all y'all know and give you guys the link, if you care to check it out occasionally, so the link is http://daringdancer.wordpress.com thanks for caring! (if you do that is)

i keep wanting to think of really thought provoking titles,and fail

2009-01-09T23:40:00.000-08:00

i love acting, and singing, and dancing, and you would think "oh, that's a great combination for broadway stars, you should do that if you love those things so much" and you would be right, if i were good at any of those things, i LOVE performing, even though i get HORRIBLE stage fright, and i can deal with it when i'm acting, because i'm not ME, i'm someone else, but when i'm singing, i AM me, and everyone knows i'm me, everyone knows that music is my life, so its hard to pretend to be someone else, and when i dance, well i dance ballroom, so for me, its just me and my partner, no one else, so i don't get as nervous, and when i did ensemble dancing, i didn't worry about it, till afterward, if that makes sense, i'm very self conscious, but usually only after the fact, because i know i'm not skinny, and i don't have the best posture, and stuff like that, hmmm, i have digressed again, i was going to talk about how much i love theatre and how much i love acting and stuff like that, well i guess i will just start over from here, haha. ANYWAY, i LOVE acting, when you completely NAIL a performance, it is the BEST feeling in the world, at least to me it is, it's like a natural high and it makes me so happy, NOTHING can bring me down. but i'm not very good, i've auditioned for plays and musicals, and for plays i don't usually get a part (unless it is in a drama class) and for musicals, i've always been ensemble, in the last musical i was in (West Side Story) i was ensemble, but it was the half of the ensemble that didn't sing, yes that's right, i was a Jet Girl, this was one of the only times in my life i was frustrated at my ethnicity, WHY did i have to be scottish? i just HAD to be one of the whitest girls in the production, and what made it worse, was there was a guy that is whiter than i am and was a shark, tell me how that makes sense? (sorry i have digressed...AGAIN, haha) anyway, i love acting, and being up on stage is the best feeling in the world, and i'd love to do it as a career, but that isn't exactly a stable industry, and i'm not good enough to make a career out of it, *sigh* maybe some day

hmmmm

2009-01-08T23:02:00.001-08:00

its curious isn't it? how we (well at least i) can feel happy, ecstatic even, i feel like dancing and singing and bouncing, i feel happy and giggly, i want to laugh out loud and just be loud and crazy and happy, but i also feel like crying my fucking eyes out. i have a vague idea where the crying feeling is coming from, and i KNOW that i need to get over him, and that whole thing that happened. i mean JEEZ its been 2 MONTHS, i should totally be over this, but i can't, usually i'm a fighter, if someone breaks my heart, i suck it up and move on, and yeah i've tried to do that, and i have, to a point, but usually after 2 months my heart doesn't ache anymore, but this time it's different, and this is also the first time i've ever liked a guy with a girlfriend, well first time to my knowledge, and true in my defense i didn't know that he had a gf when i told him that i liked him, and usually if i find something like that out, then my i back off, immediately, and then my feelings fade relatively quickly, i'm not one to fall for someone else's guy, but this time its different...................ok this was SO not the point of this blog, but w/e, i tend to let my mind go crazy in these things and the focus tends to shift, hahaha, well that's me i guess, lol

i can't think of a suitable title for this blog

2009-01-08T01:13:00.000-08:00

i miss dancing. i haven't danced since the 18th of december, i miss it! i miss hanging out and having fun with my dancing friends, i can be myself around them, i feel totally at ease when i dance, even though i shouldn't because i'm not graceful AT ALL, but when i'm dancing i FEEL graceful, and no one makes any snide comments about how clumsy i am. i KNOW i'm not the best dancer in the world, but no one holds that against me, guys ask me (ME!) to dance, even knowing how i talk and laugh loudly, and i trip over my own feet, if i screw up i laugh and then they laugh with me, and the same goes for if they screw up (most of the time, this mostly happens with jason) and since we are all there to learn i ask them to tell me what i'm doing wrong (my usual offense is back-leading oops!) and then they ask me to tell them what they are doing wrong, and their usual offense is that they don't have strong enough frame, but usually i'm just having fun learning new things and making new friends. my mom was being amazingly sweet and was looking up places where i could dance over break and i was all like "thanks mom, but i miss my chico dancing group, my west coast swing friends, and studio one is so much fun (even though i've only been once) i didn't even dance that much (curse of being shy) but when i did i had fun, except for one incident, yeah this ALWAYS asks me to dance, and he's kind of a creeper, but i said yes when he asked me anyway and led me into a basket whip, and i couldn't go as far over to the side as i normally would because there was a couple right there so i made it smaller, and he, well, didn't, so i stepped on his feet, and then he did something and i ran into a couple on one side of us, and he tried to fix it, but over corrected and i ran into the couple on the other side of us, yeah by this point i was glad the song was going to end soon (yes i can usually tell) so that was the only dance i danced with him that night, and i was embarassed when ever i saw any of the people i ran into for the rest of the night (even though it wasn't my fault) but that was a great day, with two of my best dancing buddies, jackie and sami, total unplanned, unintentional girl's night right there, it was great, but i seem to have digressed, i was going to talk about how much i love dancing and why. the why's are basically because when i have a really good leader that won't let me back-lead or anything its great, i have a blast and most of the guys i know that i dance with that are amazing leaders (*cough*jason and kevin*cough*) will laugh with me when i can't get something right, and will work with me until i do, or at least until we change partners, jason and i were both learning this new move and neither of us could get it right and we finally figured out how to do it and then we changed partners and this guy led it slightly differently and it was like "WTF IS GOING ON?? I'M SO CONFUSED" (in my head obviously, but you get the point) but it was still fun, i love dancing, i've always been a fan of dancers, the way they can move their bodies, the seemingly effortless way they hold themselves and glide across the floor, and i love dancing a lot too, i know i'll never be the world's best dancer or anything, but taht doesn't matter, as long as i have fun, and can be myself while doing it, that's fine by me! and seeing as how i lost my original train of thought i'll stop now, if it comes back to me i'll post another blog post or something

i've decided............

2008-12-15T16:00:00.001-08:00

that my piano final is going to kick my ass. i have less than 24 hours to practice major and harmonic minor scales, ALL of the chord progressions, learn my harmonization exercise in TWO keys (and i don't even know if i have the chords right) AND learn/memorize my solo recital piece (and i can do both hands, just NOT TOGETHER) and get it down so well that i can do ALL of this in SIX FUCKING MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!! there is NO WAY in hell i can do this, maybe i'll just give up and retake piano 1 next year. OH and i need to find time to write my English paper, eat and sleep, FUCKING A!!!!!!!!!! at least i'm not all that worried about my theory or aural musicianship finals. but piano is going to KICK MY ASS!!!! i'll be SOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad when this week is over, actually i'll be fucking ecstatic when tuesday is over. yeah that's basically it. have a good fucking day.

synchroblog 3: Christmas

2008-12-13T13:38:00.000-08:00

a lot of people spend christmas with their mom and dad and brothers and sisters (if they have them) well the last time it was only my mom and dad and sister (past tense so yes sister) was when i was 3 years old. since then i've NEVER had a small family get together, and it seems that as i get older we ADD more people. people move closer to us, or something, idk. since then it has almost always been me, my sister, my momma, my grandpa, my grandma, my aunt and uncle, and since sixth grade, my cousin. on christmas eve my family would make tamale pie, i didn't used to like it, but now i do, and then my mom and aunt would go next door and exchange presents with them, while my sister, grandparents and i would put up the stockings and put out the cookies for santa. there was one year that i wanted to write a letter for santa to read that night, not an "i want this for christmas" kind of letter, just something for him read and spend some time relaxing for a few extra seconds. i woke up the next morning and he had written back! i was so happy. then for christmas day my sister would always wake me up, and i'd try to ignore her (i was never a morning person, not even on christmas day) then we'd have to wake my mom up and they'd watch us open our stockings, while they opened theirs (santa came for children of all ages in our house) and every year santa would forget that my mom was allergic to oranges and tangerines, so my sister and i would always take them. oh and every year we always got a teddy bear in our stockings, there was only one year where it was an exception and we got stuffed dogs, that was my favorite stuffed animal, and would still be my favorite stuffed animal if i could find it :( then my sister and i would take everyone's stockings and empty the nuts in the toes into our nut bowl in our kitchen, and we'd take everyone's fruit and put it in their respective places. oranges in the bowl in the kitchen, apples in the fridge, and so on. then after we had finished with that, we would all get together and eat breakfast, homemade waffles, fried eggs and sausage. my grandpa would cook the sausage ahead of time and would put it in the oven on broil so it would stay warm, and my grandma would make the eggs after she made the waffle batter, and my grandpa would sit at the head of the table making the waffles on the waffle maker that they got for their wedding (yes it still works!) we'd sit around our table and eat and talk and laugh and then we would all help with the dishes and afterward my sister and i would hand out the presents and we would all sit in the living room and open our presents. the rest of the day was spent cleaning up and finding places to keep all of our new goodies. and for dinner we have turkey or ham or something, and this is a holiday tradition (we have it for thanksgiving as well) we have jell-o salad, well technically ribbon salad. its great it is three layers and for christmas, we have red jell-o on the bottom, the classic middle white layer, that i still don't know whats in it, besides pineapple and pineapple juice, and then on top its green (and the way we get my grandma to remember is "the green of the christmas tree" and for thanksgiving it is the same, but the red and green jell-o layers are switched) then our family from oregon comes down for new years and we usually do a separate christmas with them. but i guess to me christmas is about being with family, and i know this is gonna sound awful, but it just isn't the holidays unless someone fights, it happens every year, and while i hate it, i've come to expect it, and just kind of let it happen. but at the end of the day, we still love each other

i would post what other people are doing this, but idk yet, not very many so far.

MERRY CHRISTMAS (or if you celebrate anything other than christmas HAPPY (insert holiday here)!!!!!!)

FUCK

2008-12-10T12:04:00.000-08:00

ok so for people that have been caught up on my life and know that i told tyler and all that, well i sent one thing and he was being a dumb butt and wasn't answering, so i went with the most direct route possible and i said "i just gotta know, do you like me back or not?" and he sent back "sorry not like that :( you're a sweetheart and all but i'm seeing somebody" ouch, he couldn't have said that in the first place? this was one of those times that makes me glad that it didn't happen face to face cause it made it that much easier. second time i've EVER decided to be outgoing and everything and told a guy that i liked him, both times kinda sucked. maybe i'll just give up and become an old maid....*sigh* idk, i'm just tired of getting hurt, or maybe i'll just stop taking initiative, i've been told that guys like it when you're outgoing enough to say it out right, but from my experience, that isn't always true, well at least whenever i took initiative it didn't end well, both times, however, the guys and i have decided to be friends, and the first instance and i are still friends, he's like my brother now, haha, and for tyler, well we'll see, i asked him if we could still be friends and he's all like "ummm duh :)" and i'm like, don't be cute NOW dumb butt, i didn't actually say that, but jeez, did he have to do something to make me smile THEN?? *sigh* so confusing. all i can say is i <3>

what the HELL am i supposed to do NOW?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

2008-12-08T14:33:00.000-08:00

ok so i finally told tyler that i like him, and i sent this:

1) i know this is not exactly the classiest way to go about doing this
2) i know you probably get this a lot from all your fans
3) i also know that you probably already know, because i'm not subtle at all, i try to be, but i fail miserably

but this new, semi-interesting fact is that i like you, as more than a friend. you can take it or leave it, but i'm selective with guys that i like. i've given this a lot of thought, and i wanted to tell you in person, when i introduced you to my friends at the chico idol finals, and during the chico idol semi finals. actually i've been toying with the idea of telling you since you told me you were transferring schools. i really do want to know your reaction to this, obviously, or else i wouldn't have told you. ok i've gone on long enough, just please message me back, asap anyway, cause i know that you're busy. thanks

<3 amanda

he responded with this:

:) well my reaction? basically just surprised you actually told me! no one ever does that anymore haha, but yeah i could tell :p and i think its awesome you had the guts to be straight forward with me about it :)

that didn't tell me an effing thing!!!! what do i do NOW????

fate's a bitch

2008-12-07T17:07:00.000-08:00

it so isn't fair how much i like this guy. and if you don't know what guy, go read my previous blog titled "Should I.....?" i want to tell him, but not. i've learned the hard way to guard my heart closely, i don't want to get hurt again. i know its inevitable, but it still sucks. i know it will happen sooner or later, i just tend to lean towards later in this respect. i want to be more outgoing, i NEED to be more outgoing, but for this? can't i just be old fashioned in this one thing?? i'm a total feminist, all for women empowerment and all that jazz. i've been taught, and i believe that women can do everything men can do, some things better, and stuff, but i'm still old fashioned in some respects, like waiting for a guy to ask you for a dance, and wanting a guy to ask you out or something. i've had my share of asking guys out, and got shot down on every single one of them. it sucks......................a lot. i REALLY wanna tell him, but i don't want him to like laugh at me or something, or think that its "cute" i've had that happen too, it sucked, it hurt, i almost socked him. i just one guy to prove to me that they aren't all the same ya know? the reason i'm afraid that that will happen, is cause he's 22, and i'm 18, i don't know why that makes a difference now, but it does to me. this is no worse, or different, than those stupid crushes i had as a freshmen on the seniors in high school, except that this a bit more than a silly crush to me. now i need to grow a spine and tell him, and i was planning on it on friday, but i had friends with me, i wasn't planning on that, and they were practically dragging me out the door, (what a drag, haha, jk christine) so yeah, i'll probably end up telling him eventually, but it won't be in the prefered way (face-to-face) since i never see him, so it will probably be via internet (i know, not the classiest way to go about this, but yeah. thats basically it. and it sucks!

it can't be possible

2008-12-02T23:23:00.000-08:00

to be this sick when i've had symptoms for less that 24 hours, it just can't be humanly possible. and yet here i am, which snot running out of my nose, a dry, scratchy, sore throat that hasn't gone away since 8 this morning, and a splitting headache that hasn't gone away since about 1 this afternoon, that makes me feel like my head is going to explode. i almost skipped my last two classes today because i just couldn't deal with it anymore. i somehow fought my way through it, which turned out to be a good thing cause i found out what was going to be on those finals. and instead of going home and going to bed before my dance class like i was planning, i somehow got dragged into watching a movie with erin and joey and going to get mail and visiting kaleen and getting dinner with erin. not that i object to finally getting hang out with ppl, its just i needed to sleep, oh well. i went to dance class and jolene, my teacher, tried to make me ask someone to dance and i was like "no i'm sick" and she's like "what are you doing standing, GO SIT DOWN" so i did, with my metaphorical tail between my legs, i can't believe i just got chastized for trying to make an effort, with out being outgoing of course, then she's like "come here" so i did and she's like "i want you to take notes when we do street hustle" and i was like "on what? i don't have paper, i don't bring my entire backpack" (yes i can get away with talking back to this particular teacher, but this one is about it) and then she asked me, "how many classes have you missed?" and i'm like "none" (except i held up my hand like a zero, but yeah) and she's like "go home....well wait till i go over what the final class will entail, then go home" and i was all "i think i'll stay until the end of the street hustle lesson" and she's like "street hustle isn't till the second hour, go home." so i said "ok" yeah and i came home, after she talked about outside dance events, make up events, ballroom dance night, the final class (not really a final) so yeah after i got home i thought i would get a little better after resting a little bit, i was like "what do i do, i'm usually in class and i'm bored, i could go to sleep, but i don't have to get up tomorrow so i don't really wanna get up at 6" yeah so i talked to ppl and made tea and drank tea and some milk (to try and coat my throat to heal it a little bit) and now i think i'm gonna crash for the night..........................yeah definitely going to sleep now. NIGHT!!!! <3

today was great

2008-11-26T00:35:00.000-08:00

omg i had so much fun. went to the high school today and got bombarded with questions from old teachers (and teachers i never had, yay manny and gibby!!) about college. and i went to band and when all the little freshemen flute players went into sectionals, Christine and I played flute with the band, and everyone was "wait the flute section is good now--oh that's why...." it was great. then i went with christine to bother gibby, he's cool, i never had him, but it was fun, and in that class i got a compliment from one of the boys in choir on my mad sight reading skills from the previous day. oh and christine and i decided (ok mainly christine) that today was like "diss chico day" even from the teachers that went there!!!! one of them was "so where do you live?" and i was all "i live at criag--" "OH CRAIG" and walked away, i was like "thanks bitch!!" chico even got dissed by people i don't even know!!! feh, i was like, "can we pick on someone else now?? please?? anyway and then we went and bothered manny, and she made us read timed writes, i hated those, she was never even my teacher, and we walked into mrs. adams' room (english adams) and saw caity tremblay (i <3 her) and sammy (christine's sister, and she'll probably kill me for calling her that since i haven't since i was in girl scouts) and jaime (i <3 her too) that was fun, then lunch i was gonna go bother mr. gissell, but he wasn't in his room and didn't show up immdiately after the bell rang so i gave up on him, then i went to bother my old drama teacher but there was a guest speaker in that class so i got shooed away and told to come back after class (or near the end anyway, i <3 mrs. martin, crazy irish woman, lawlz) and then after i talked to mrs. martin and the rest of my friends in her advanced drama class (namely elbitz, anna, monika and vincent) i went to madrigals and got glomed by like 3 friends. haha i <3 them too. then i went to rhonert park with christine and we saw her friend Adam, and then and got in-n-out (cause they don't have them in Washington?) and then we got el-bitz and got dinner and then went and saw twlight (for the second time for me and el-bitz) christine didn't like it, ellen and i loved it and then we didn't want to go home yet so we went to safeway got chips, cheese and drinks and had a picnic in front of the library (yes we are weird) and we ended up calling random people for the opposite of "intimidating" and we ended up calling ben, except that they wouldn't tell me who it was and i had to guess (it didn't take me long, until christine said "hello, you know me as amanda's friend." which was like her first sentence) it was funny, so now el-bitz and christine officially know why i <3 him so much, lawlz he was really nice and everything about the random call at like 10:30 at night, haha it was great. anyway that was my day and it was great i loved it!!!

so........

2008-11-19T12:53:00.000-08:00

i'm kinda excited for thanksgiving break. i don't have to go home till sunday and then i'm coming home that friday (the day after thanksgiving). so i only have to deal with people saying "you never spend time with us," or "you never come home" yadda yadda yadda for 5 days, and at least 1 (maybe 2) of that is going to be spent at the high school visiting friends that i haven't seen in ages!! so i'm all excited about that. i'm gonna visit all my old teachers (well not ALL, but i'm gonna visit b-mac, and mrs. martin for sure, YAY MY PERFORMING ARTS TEACHERS, and maybe mr. ross, just cause he's cool like that) i'm kinda sad that i don't get to visit my church family (i'm coming home after church and leaving for chico before the next sunday) but i'll live. it'll be nice to be somewhere for a while that doesn't have dust everywhere. so basically i'm excited for that.

OH and i'm excited for tomorrow. i auditioned for "The Vagina Monologues" a week ago and the cast list is finally being posted tomorrow!! AND i get to see tyler, i REALLY like him, and i haven't seen him in a few weeks, so i'm excited to see him again. and not only do i get to see him, i get to see him perform. the last time i got to see him perform was for our piano midterm, so that doesn't count, i've never gotten to see him perform his material. (in case you don't know, he writes and performs his own music, AMAZING) so even if i don't get a part in vagina monologues, i still get to see tyler, which should help increase my mood if i don't get a part. so yeah that is my life to come!! hope you enjoyed.

i'm bored

2008-11-08T18:13:00.000-08:00

i haven't blogged in a while, so even though i don't have anything to say, i'll say it!! lol. today i went to a blues dance workshop, and if you walked into a dance studio where they were doing blues and you weren't expecting it, there would be some couples that would probably make you think "omfg they are like having sex on the dance floor" which isn't true, at all. i loved the dance it was fun, there were some guys where it was awkward to dance with them, but these people it is awkward to talk to them sometimes, like thats just who they are, they are awkward. but my favorite dance partners were jason, and kevin, well and tim, but tim didn't ask me to dance and kevin asked me like twice and jason once. so yeah it was the closest i had ever danced with someone and it was fun, there was only one dance move that was slightly awkward but thats cause his leg was like in between mine, but it had to be to lead it. that was the only move where the guy (*cough*jason*cough*) stepped on my foot, and of course i was wearing socks cause street shoes aren't allowed in there and i don't have dance shoes so yeah, YAY SOCKS it hurt, it wasn't like the minor not actually on my foot like happened in tango, it was on my foot and some actual weight on it, so yeah he apologized and i almost made a crack, like "oh its just like tango again" he probably would have laughed, but yeah, anyway it was fun, the lunge was fun, the spin into a lunge, not as much, but thats cause the guys would try and catch me when i'd only done one spin and i was supposed to do 2 so yeah, ok that was jason again. he's a ditz, but i love him and i've decided that tim is a show off, i know he saw me during our break and we were headed toward each other and he was walking and he turned and he grabbed the railing next to him and basically flung himself around the corner and i know he wouldn't have if there hadn't been people there, actually i think i was the only one there, but still. he's funny, effing insane, but funny. and omg kevin is insane as well. he's actually taller than i am, which i didn't notice till i was dancing with him literally close enough that there was MAYBE an inch between us SOMETIMES it was fun. haha kevin is like my favorite person to dance with, yeah i love him, lol

oh and on friday (or yesterday depending on when you read this) i sat on campus after my math class and just chilled, i started writing a letter to Christine, it still isn't finished (i promise i'll do that soon, sorry!) but it was fun, i was laying on the grass in front of the PAC building. i love the building, whenever i spend time in there, i like never wanna go home at the end of the day. i love the people in there, and most of the teachers and its just a great place, the people are so interesting and are just fun to be around. so yeah i love the PAC

i had a girls night last night with Kaleen and Robin, it was fun, we started out by hanging out and then kaleen was singing omigod you guys, but she was singing it wrong so i was like NO, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG so she she's like, well then you sing it, and i'm like, no, but i found it on youtube and showed it to her and then she looked up the show (legally blond the musical) and we watched it which robin watched, idk why she was mad at us when i was just showing kaleen the song, but now robin has a crush on the guy that played emmett, so yeah it all worked out, and i told her that he looks kinda like ben, they even dress similar, it was freaky when i made that connection, so now she wants to meet him, lol we stayed up until like 2:30, as soon as we finished the movie..........play..........musical..........SHOW!!!! we started playing MASH, second night in a row!!!! lol so at about 2:30 i was like, BED TIME FOR MEEEEE!!! so i left and came back to my room and went online cause i had to e-mail ben because cayden/caitlin called me early on in girls night to tell me that she knows one of bens best friends from high school or something and to tell me that ben's friend said for her to tell me to watch out for him and i promised cayden that i'd tell ben that katie says hi or something, so yeah i promised that i'd do it before i went to bed, it just happened that i didn't go to bed till 3 am, so yeah i did that before i went to bed, and then i went to bed and then i either completely slept through my alarm the next morning (or later that day depending on how you look at it) or it didn't go off cause i woke up at 10:47 when i set my alarm for 10, that was definitely a no bueno moment so i got up and rushed to get ready and then texted my friends to see if they wanted to eat and then i ate and rushed to the workshop. and then when i came home i played a game with my friends and then we ate dinner, i came back to my room for a bit and then i went to the band concert with kelsey, one of my friends from the apartments, and now i'm talking to bitzke on AIM and eating cookies and drinking cherry coke. but all in all i had a good day/weekend so far

and now i think i'm done, yeah i'm done, hope you enjoyed my day as much as i did!!

Should I...?

2008-10-30T18:09:00.000-07:00

tell him? i like him, i mean REALLY like him. and just in case you feel out of the loop, his name is Tyler Weinrich, he has been in two bands, both had record labels, well at least one did and i'm pretty sure both did. he was majoring in music industry, hence the reason i met him, he was in my theory, piano and aural musicianship classes (the reason i say was for all of this was because he is changing majors, to business of all things, and i think schools *sad face*) anyway he's awesome, he doesn't have a record deal, but he's defnitely going that direction, check it out, if you want www.myspace.com/tylerweinrich he's basically awesome. and he's such a sweetie, like when i saw him in piano, he was like the first person to talk to me in that class, he struck me as a "bad boy" and now that i know him, i know how wrong i really was. he is so nice, he was still like the only person to talk to me in those classes, especially in piano, cause in arual i can talk to rose or rachel or melanie, but in piano, i CAN talk to jordan, but i like talking to tyler better, and jordan isn't as nice as she came across at orientations, she's still nice, but i like tyler better ANYWAY the point of this blog was to get your guys' opinion, cause i really like him and all that, but i still wanna be friends with him and i don't wanna make things like super awkward or anything. HELP?!?!?!? pleazzzze?

SQUEAL

2008-10-24T09:32:00.000-07:00

Mia, Keith, and Jorge are coming today!!! WHEEEEEE i'm super duper excited. we are gonna go dancing tonight, then to a play on saturday, well i'm gonna be playing at the chico preview day and they are gonna be participating in it, like going on the tour and stuff!! so yeah but the play is at 7:30, and it is amazing, i went to see it last night with Becca and it was kinda hard to follow, but it was definitely entertaining. which is usually the point of theatre productions. so yeah, i'm super duper excited!! *bounces while screaming* ok i'm gonna try and calm down and do my homework before math class *scoffs* like thats gonna happen. well i will make an effort.

venting time

2008-10-21T22:10:00.000-07:00

i can't deal with it anymore, having a roommate sucks. its not even like she's a horrible person or anything, its just when she has people in here being loud when i'm like trying to sleep, even if you think they are asleep you should still be quiet!! i may be a deep sleeper, but i do get woken up by some things, like trains, and drunk roommates. most of the time she isn't home, she's like "studying" or hanging out with other people or at class and when she is home she's asleep, which kinda bothers me cause she gets mad at me when i wake her up on accident and i'm not even being that loud, like today, i was talking to my MOM on the phone and she's all like "can you, like, leave? i know i'm not exactly quiet at night, but i'm trying to sleep." and she was being all snippy, i just gave her a look and walked out, i was like whispering into the phone!! then like a couple minutes later i came back in and got ready for my dance midterm since i needed to dress up and look nice, i didn't even try and be quiet. what really pissed me off was that one of her friends came in and woke her up on purpose and she was all like "oh yeah give me like two minutes" or something. i was fuming! i want to like change rooms, but like i'm like too stubborn, and i'm pretty sure she is too. cause i know there are some things that annoy her about me. most of the time, she's fine, we get along okay. like yesterday, she said she'd try and go to my choir concert!! how sweet is that? she's never been that nice to me so far this year, and on her birthday, since she was sick and i wanted to be nice, i got her a t-shirt for her teddy bear and a singing birthday card. so at least her mom likes me! haha. it is mainly small things about her that bother me, but they tend to build up until i explode.

i'm thinking.....

2008-10-21T00:22:00.000-07:00

.....of writing a collection of monologues of my college experience, i already have one, well according to bitzke, you can check it out, it is on my blog titled "i love...." i still need to edit it A LOT if i want it to be monologue material. what do you guys think? short blog for this, it is almost pointless, but i want to know your opinions. thanks all <333

synchroblog 2

2008-10-19T22:21:00.000-07:00

i know i didn't do the first synchroblog, but thats cause i didn't know about it in advance, so forgive me. so this topic is "I'm Usually in a Good Mood or Being Myself When..." for me i have a couple of things:

1) when i'm doing music, usually singing. music is kinda like my element, it always has been, idk why or anything i've almost always been in music so that probably has some part in it.

2) when i'm reading, i feel like i don't have to pretend for anyone, usually i'm not aware of the fact that i'm pretending, until someone points it out, but still.

3) (this one is a recent development) when i'm dancing, i realized that when i dance, i'm laughing and being silly and i sing along to the music (and most of it is really lame music) and i'm just a goof, i guess i always felt like i couldn't be goofy sometimes cause i was always either the oldest person in the group or i was the "mother" and it was appropriate for me to be goofy, but when i'm dancing (besides the fact that i'm like the only freshman in the class) i'm also not the goofiest in the class, but it is really nice cause i'm not self conscience, i'm not afraid to be goofy and weird and talk back to the teacher (trust me, she doens't care, she give us just as much, if not more, lip) so yeah i've realized that i'm totally myself and comfortable when i'm dancing, i've never even been this comfortable in band or around some of my family for that matter, so i think its a good thing that i found dance, also it makes me more outgoing, except i'm still old fashioned enough that i can't ask a guy to dance, but it doesn't even bother me when some of the girls that are learning to lead ask me to dance, which i'm sure it makes some of the other girls uncomfortable but it doesnt me, idk why, but i love it!! haha dancing is so much fun

i think that is all for my sychroblog!! enjoy, oh wait i think i'm supposed to put links for other synchroblogs, well i only have one so here: http://thissideoftomorrow.blogspot.com/2008/10/synchroblog-2-on-happiness.html

Miss-judged Miss-take

2008-10-15T17:27:00.000-07:00

i guess i should let you know that this one is a play, it was written for a contest, and the theme was handicaps it could either be a permanent or temporary handicap or a mental handicap, or wait, no i think it was only physical handicaps, i think, i can't remember, i'm prouder of this than of Magically Fatal, but it is definitely not my best work, meh, i've heard both opinions of my writing, this was the first storyline that i wrote that didn't have to do with magic or fantasy of some kind. i tired to keep my same writing style by kind of having paragraphs of description and stuff, but the only way i could do that in a play was to have a narrator, who has a name as you can tell, Kristin, that little tid-bit was just so you could know why Kristin was talking so much, and why it seemed to show up between scenes. yeah thats why. i did have to cut characters, i wanted to have more scenes in the hospital but it didn't really tie into the rest of the show, so i cut it. hope you enjoy, and let you imaginations run wild with the character descriptions, i tried to leave that part as open to interpretation as much as possible. ENJOY!!

Kristin- on stage DSL. Rebeccah is one of the most popular girls in school. She is well liked by her peers and teachers. She is known affectionately as Beccah by her family and friends. Her boyfriend, Ted, calls her Bug and she in turn calls him Teddy, much to his dismay. Beccah is crazy for Ted and he is always the model boyfriend, when other people are around, but a lot of people know that he only likes Beccah for her looks and cheats on her every chance he gets. Beccah doesn’t care and thinks that he is the best person in the world. Ted plays baseball and football and Beccah has never missed a single one of his games. Beccah is the captain of the volleyball team, but Ted has never been to a single one of her games.
Two spotlights come on Rebeccah is sitting on her bed SR and Ted is sitting in a living room chair SL, both on phone
Ted- Please Bug? Please come to the party with me on Friday
Beccah- I can’t. You know I have a game on Friday.
Ted- You do? I thought they were on Saturdays. Well, you can come after the game.
Beccah- I could, pauses but I’m not going to.
Ted- Why not? It’ll be fun!
Beccah- Fun for you, yes. But you know I hate crowds, loud music, drugs, and alcohol. Pauses. Oh, you’re making puppy dog eyes ate me aren’t you?
Ted- Yes, so will you go?
Beccah- Fine!–But only if you come to my game.
Ted- swears silently. No prob. Uh, what time does it start?
Beccah- 7 pm. And don’t be late!
Ted- I won’t. I promise.
Beccah- Great. Well I should go to bed. ’Night, I love you Teddy Bear!
Ted- I love you too Buggy.

lights fade
Kristin- Ted is frequently trying to get Beccah to go to parties, but he has never succeeded, until now. This is also the first time that Beccah’s been able to get Ted to go to one of her games. Her friends, Grace and Sharnell, are really supportive of Beccah’s decision to play volleyball, then again they are on the team too.
Beccah, Grace, and Sharnell are in their volleyball uniforms. Beccah’s stretching and Sharnell and Grace are warming up.
Beccah- Where is he? The game starts in two minutes!
Sharnell- Don’t worry honey. I’m sure he’ll be here any second.
Grace- Yeah. I’m sure he’ll be here soon. Unless, of course he decides to bail. It wouldn’t be the first time.
Sharnell- Gracie! Shut up! And for once could you try to not be little miss Debbie downer?
Grace- feigns innocence I can’t help it if I’m just trying to be honest.
Sharnell- You don’t have to be so open about it!
Beccah- Guys please stop arguing.
Sharnell- Sorry Beccah.
Grace- Hey look who finally decided to show up. Holds volleyball under arm.
Ted- Hey I promised I’d show up.
Grace- That doesn’t necessarily mean anything. You’re notorious for breaking promises.
Sharnell- Gracie stop being such a bitch
Beccah- STOP FIGHTING!! I hate it when you fight! Storms off.
Sharnell- Beccah wait! I’m sorry!
Grace- Now look what you’ve done.
Sharnell- What I’ve done? You’re the one who–oh never mind. I am done arguing with you.
Grace- Wuss.
Sharnell- Oh grow up!

Both walk off arguing

Ted- Didn’t Bug tell you to stop arguing?! To audience. Girls! Shrugs and then follows them.

Kristin- Don’t worry they did that a lot. They made up, as usual, and didn’t fight anymore that night. That night at the party Beccah named herself the designated driver since she knew that Sharnell, Grace, and Ted would drink and she wouldn’t. Beccah didn’t touch alcohol so she was pretty sure that she would make it home in one piece. Unfortunately the guy that hit her car going 80 mph had been drinking. Beccah had just finished dropping off Sharnell, Grace, and Ted at home when this driver came out of nowhere and slammed into the side of her car and running her car into a tree. Someone that was driving by at the time pulled over and called 911. The driver of the other car sustained minor injuries while Beccah was crushed at the waist between the tree and the rest of her car. She was rushed to the hospital and sent into surgery in order to find out if she would be able to have use of her legs.

Beccah is sleeping on a bed CS. Sharnell, Grace, and Ted, holding a bouquet of roses, enter just as Beccah wakes up.

Sharnell- Hey Beccah. How are you doing?
Beccah- I’m doing alright.
Ted- Hey, I brought you some flowers.
Beccah- Thanks I love roses, um, put them over on that table. Thanks.
Sharnell- Hey Beccah? Do you think you’ll be able to play volleyball?
Beccah- I don’t know yet, but I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to play in the semi-finals.
Sharnell- But you’re our best player! Are you sure you won’t be able to play?
Beccah- No, I’m not, but if you want to be sure you should ask the doctor. You have to remember that I was crushed from the waist down. But just in case I can’t play, Sharnell, you can be captain.
Grace- Well, sorry to cut out early, but I really do need to leave. I have an appointment I need to get to.
Ted- Yeah I need to go too. Bye Beccah.
Grace and Ted leave together.
Beccah- Well that was weird, that was the first time he’s called me Beccah since before we started dating.
Sharnell- Yeah I know that was weird. Oh well, I should go too, you need your rest.
Beccah- Thanks, I’ll see you later. Sharnell leaves and Jack, Beth, and Emily enter. Jack is holding a bouquet of daisies. Hello. Are you sure you’ve got the right room?
Jack- Yes I’m sure we’ve got the right room. I’m Jack, I sit behind you in French.
Beccah- Oh right. Sorry I guess my head is still a little woozy from the pain-killers.
Emily- I’m Emily, but you can call me Em.
Beccah- Okay, hi Em. Who’s she?
Emily- That’s Beth. She is really shy.
Beccah- I see. Well Beth, you don’t need to worry because I don’t bite, not that I could in these circumstances.
Emily- That’s true. Beth, she’s a human being not an alien so stop looking like a deer in the headlights. Beth sticks her tongue out at Emily. Don’t be rude.
Beccah- Laughing. Don’t worry about it, she is down right angelic compared to Grace.
Beth looks down at floor as though embarrassed.
Jack- Oh I almost forgot. I brought you these flowers.
Beccah- Oh daisies, they are my favorite thanks. You can put them over on that table next to the roses.
Jack- Well, we’d better be going. Bye Beccah.
Emily- Yeah, see ya around.
Beth- quietly. Bye Beccah
Emily- feigns surprise. Oh my goodness, she speaks. It’s a miracle.
Beccah- laughing. I’ll see you guys around.
Jack, Emily, and Beth exit, lights fade
Kristin- Beccah spent months in the hospital. The doctors tried everything they could think of to try to get Beccah the use of her legs again. They just couldn’t get her legs working again. Finally they just gave her a wheelchair and sent her back to school.

Lights come up on Beccah, in wheelchair, and Ted. They are clearly arguing.
Beccah- I did not cheat on you. How could you even think such a thing?
Ted- Don’t lie to me. Grace saw you with another guy.
Beccah- Yes. I was, but I was talking to him, nothing else.
Ted- I don’t believe you.
Beccah- I know what this is really about. You don’t like that I’m in a wheelchair now! ’Cause I know that if you really cared about cheating, you wouldn’t have done it!
Ted- I never cheated on you!
Beccah- Liar! I know you did. Because the girl you tried to cheat on me with talked to me about it!
Ted- Well then, she lied, cause I never cheated on you.
Beccah- Em is not a liar! You, however, are, and I’m tired of being patient with you and hoping you’ll change, when it is blatantly clear that you aren’t going to. And I just can’t deal with you any more! It’s over!!
Emily and Beth enter.
Emily- Beccah, what’s going on?
Beccah- Ted just accused me of cheating on him, when he knows that I know he’s the one that cheated on me.
Emily- Well don’t worry about it. He’s being an ass and you are better then that. Let’s go.
Beth- Yeah. We are better people than he is and we shouldn’t have to surround ourselves with the likes of him.
Beth, Emily, and Beccah leave. Ted looks exasperated and leaves in opposite direction. Jack enters from same side as Ted looking worried.
Jack- Where are they? They said they’d be here five minutes ago! Emily, Beth, and Beccah enters, Beccah’s crying. There you are. Where were you?
Emily- Sorry we’re late, Ted was being a jerk.
Beccah- sniffling I don’t know what’s gotten into him, he didn’t used to be so insecure. Oh! Grace, I should have known.
Beth- What do you mean?
Beccah- Grace, she’s never liked me and she’s almost always had a major crush on Ted. She also spends almost everyday trying to make me unpopular and now that I’m in a wheelchair and everyone sees me differently, she is trying to make me look like the bad guy, er, girl. I wouldn’t be that worried except that she has a lot more influence on the student body.
Emily- Why does popularity matter? I’ve never been popular and I’m perfectly happy with my life.
Beccah- Yes, but I’ve never been anything but popular. Popularity and volleyball are all I’ve ever known and now I’m not popular and I can’t play volleyball anymore either. She starts crying again.
Beth- My cousin plays volleyball and she’s been in a wheelchair all her life.
Beccah- Okay, what’s your point?
Beth- My point is that you can still play volleyball and be in a wheelchair. You can try out for the wheelchair volleyball league in town.
Beccah- Really? That’s great! I don’t have to give up the one thing I’m good at and that it love.
Beth- Yeah and if you’re really interested they have practice today.
Emily- What’s wrong now Beccah?
Beccah- It’s just that my entire life’s been turned upside down. I’ve lost my friends, my boyfriend, I almost lost being able to play my favorite sport! Everyone at school, besides you guys, have started to see me as a freak and a cheater, all because of Grace! I just don’t know what to do.
Emily- I might have a solution. Do you want to go to my church youth group with me?
Beccah- Church? I’m not religious. And besides if God existed why would he have let this happen to me?
Emily- God loves everyone, he sent his only begotten son to die for our sins. If he didn’t love us why would he have done that? And besides God only gives us problems if he knows that we can overcome them.
Beccah- How do you know that? How do you even know that there is a God?
Emily- I don’t. It’s called faith.
Beccah- I guess it couldn’t hurt.
Kristin- Beccah went to Emily’s youth group that weekend and had a blast. She also realized that God did love everyone. After that week she never missed another week of youth group and went to church every week. Oh and just so we’re clear not everyone from Beccah’s old life had forsaken her. Sharnell was still nice to her, it just took her a while to get used to seeing Beccah in a wheelchair. I lot longer than it took Beccah to be used to being in one.
Beccah, Jack, Emily, and Beth are sitting and talking and laughing while eating lunch at school one day. Sharnell enters looking for Beccah.
Sharnell- Beccah? Are you over here?
Beccah- Yes Sharnell, we’re over here.
Sharnell- Okay, here’s the deal. I’m sorry that I believed what Grace said about you. I knew it was wrong, but since you’re in the wheelchair and I didn’t know what else to do, and what I’m trying to say is I’m really, really sorry, and can you ever forgive me?
Beccah- It’s okay Sharnell. I forgive you.
Beth- Are you sure Beccah?
Emily- Yeah are you sure?
Beccah- Yes guys I’m sure. Listen Sharnell has been my best friend since second grade, I can’t just forsake her because she made a stupid mistake. And besides I’m sure that as long as she isn’t around Grace anymore she won’t make as many mistakes like this.
Beth and Emily look at each other skeptically
Jack- Guys, if Beccah says it’s okay then we should believe her. Especially if it’s one of her friends.
Beccah- Besides Em, she’s religious too.
Emily- Really? You should try out my youth group.
Sharnell- Totally, that sounds like fun. Oh and Beccah, I thought you should know that Ted is with Grace now.
Beccah- Why am I not surprised?
Sharnell- I don’t think anyone is surprised.
Beccah- Yeah probably not.
Lights fade on them all sitting and laughing.
Kristin- Soon Emily, Beth, and Jack began to trust Sharnell and began to realize that she was nothing like the infamous Grace, who got in trouble with the school for drinking on campus and got expelled. Ted hurt himself playing baseball and is no longer able to play any sports. Beth started taking a drama class and got the lead in the school play. Emily started volunteering all of her extra time to helping in her youth group, she helped at soup kitchens and at local orphanages and retirement homes. Jack finally got the nerve to ask out Beccah and they are really happy and he also joined the school choir and became the best singer in the school. Sharnell still plays volleyball and is the permanent team captain and has lists of scholarships for playing volleyball in college. Beccah is happy and plays volleyball for the town wheelchair volleyball league. She is still very close to all of her friends, with the exception of Grace and Ted. Beccah made it her mission to go and become a counselor for teens that have been in drunk driving accidents in order to tell them not to give up on life and that there is something better than depression.
Beccah- Krissie, what are you doing?
Kristin- Nothin' sis.
Beccah- Well hurry up I promised Mom that I’d have you home in half an hour.
Kristin follows Beccah off stage, blackout

Magically Fatal

2008-10-15T17:24:00.000-07:00

i definitely liked Porcelain Rose better than this story, and i feel like i could have written more, and i wanted to, but i was writing this one for a contest that had a limit on the length of the literary works, which was 2000 words, and i just barely made it, so yeah, not my best story, but yeah i made an effort

Kiara had lived a relatively normal childhood, or so she had thought. She was seventeen and her body was going through some very odd changes. And what was even worse was that her mom wanted to send her away to some boarding school for freaks like her! But I'm getting ahead of myself. You probably want me to start at the beginning.
Kiara had just started her junior year in high school, she had also just had her seventeenth birthday. Now Kiara was far from ugly, she just had very unusual taste in music and things she thought were cool, so she wasn't one of the "popular" crowd. Kiara had long dark brown hair that was very slightly curly and she had almond shaped eyes that were the color of coffee. She wasn't fat, but she wasn't anorexic like most of the other girls in her grade. She also had this weird sort of grace that made her seem like she was dancing with every step and when she gestured at something her hand movements were very fluid. But she had noticed that there were things that were happening to her that no other girls were going through. If she pointed at something it would either become animated or turn into something else or it might just disappear. Also if she gestured when she talked then she just wouldn't know what could or would happen. She tried to talk to her mom and understand what was going on but all of these conversations would end in her mom trying to convince Kiara to go to the school. Her mom wanted to send her to this school that her mom said would help her work through what was happening to her. Kiara really wanted to know and understand what was happening to her, but she didn't want to leave all that she had known.
"Honey," her mom begged. "You have to go! There isn't anyone here who can help you."
"Mom, I can't and won't go," Kiara responded. "If you think this is the only option then I'll just have to figure out what is happening to me on my own."
"I have no doubt that you can figure it out by yourself, but . . ." Her mom faltered.
"But what mom? If I don't go I'll become a social outcast? Well I have news for you. I already am a social outcast!"
"No, that's not it at all. It's just that if you don't learn to control your powers by the time you turn eighteen they might destroy you."
"What? Destroy me? And what do you mean by 'powers?'"
"What I mean is that your dad was a warlock and he didn't bother to tell me this minor detail until I found you hovering your bed. He bound your powers and the binding was supposed to come off when you were thirteen because it is required that all witches and warlocks' powers are bound until they are thirteen, but for some reason the binding stuck."
"But momma, you said that daddy had died a long time ago and that was why you weren't together anymore."
"I know I said that, but the truth is he ran away with some witch. Trust me you would have known if he had died, because you are blood relation and you are both magical you have some bond that is closer than any other normal father-daughter relationship. But Kiara, you have to go to this school, I can't bear to loose you too." Her mom looked close to tears.
"Okay momma, I'll go."
It was Kiara's first day at her new school. In her first couple of classes there was one girl who was very friendly and would sit next to her, her name was Kiki. Kiki's hair was jet black and about shoulder length and had a choppy kind of cut to it, but it had a pink stripe in it. She also dressed very eccentrically and seemed very outgoing. Kiki was also very bubbly and friendly, this was the reason that Kiara sat with Kiki at lunch since she didn't know anyone else and didn't want to eat by herself on her first day at school.
"Oooooooo Kiara," Kiki gushed. "It looks like one of the cutest boys in our grade has taken a liking to you."
"How can you tell?"
"Uh, cause he is right behind you." She stated as she bounced. Kiara immediately blushed. "Hey Kenai!"
Yep definitely very friendly. Thought Kiara. She turned around to look into the most startlingly beautiful blue eyes she had ever seen. He had dark brown hair that was short but long enough to fall into his eyes and frame his face perfectly. He was also oddly graceful and his grace made him seem like and angel.
"What is your name?" He asked with an outstretched hand.
Kiara stuttered and tripped over her words and finally just blushed a deeper shade of red as she reached out to take his hand. "Her name is Kiara," offered Kiki. Kiara shot her a relieved look.
"Thank you Kiki," said Kenai, then looking back to Kiara. "Kiara, huh? That's a very pretty name. May I sit down?" Kiara nodded. "So why are you just showing up?" He asked as he sat down. "Most kids show up when they turn thirteen, and how old are you?"
"I'm seventeen, and the reason that I'm showing up now is that now is when the binding on my powers wore off, or was taken off. My mom and I don't know if my dad took it off or if he renewed the binding when I turned thirteen, or if he just put a really strong binding on my powers when they appeared when I was little."
"Why couldn't your mom take the binding off when you were thirteen if had stuck? Isn't she a witch too?" Asked Kenai.
"No, my mom is a mortal, so I'm only half witch I guess."
"Oh that is dangerous, those types have a very hard time controlling their powers and their powers usually end up destroying that person by the time they are eighteen," Kiki observed.
"I know, that is why my mom sent me here, she couldn't stand to loose me too, especially after my dad left her for a witch."
"I see, so you were forced to leave your normal life and normal family for this," said Kenai, gesturing around them.
"Yeah, basically." Said Kiara nodding. Their conversation continued for the rest of the lunch period. That evening, after Kiki had showed her where the dorms were, Kiara found out who her roommate was and that her roomie really didn't want Kiara at the school, much less in the same room. Her name was Beth. Kiara tried to avoid Beth as well as she could. The next morning at breakfast she found Kiki sitting by herself at a table outside reading.
"Good morning Kiki!" Kiara said brightly. Kiki's hair had a very bright turquoise strip in it today.
"Hey Kiara. You seem much more well adjusted today than you were yesterday."
"Yeah I guess I am. There is one thing though." Kiara added frowning.
"What is it?" Kiki asked as her hair turned back to its natural black.
"Oh it's nothing really, just my roomie, Beth. She doesn't really seem to like me much. I don't know why I haven't done anything to her." Kiara shrugged. "Hey does you hair do that normally?"
"What, change color with my mood? Yeah it does or I can change it on command." Said Kiki as her hair turned back to turquoise. "But anyway about Beth. She is Kenai's ex-girlfriend, she probably saw you talking to him yesterday and got jealous. She is usually harmless, but try not to get on her bad side, she has some of the most powerful powers in the school. Well speak of the devil. Hey Kenai."
Kiara turned around. "Why do you always come up behind me?"
"Oh nothing," said Kenai with an innocent look on his face and put his arm around her, "I just really like to startle you. The look on your face is cute."
"Ya know Kenai, no matter how cute she looks when she is startled, you probably shouldn't until she gets control of her powers." Said Kiki very matter of factly.
"Oh I hadn't thought of that. So I guess I probably shouldn't do this." he asked as he kissed Kiara.
"No probably not, but it is a little late, well at least the world hasn't ended."
"Oh very funny Kiki." Snapped Kiara after she got her breath back.
The rest of the year passed in much the same way. Kiara would go to class in the morning and try to understand what her teachers were trying to explain. By the end of the year Kiara hadn't made much headway in controlling her powers. The only difference in the beginning of the year and now was that Kiara and Kenai had started dating and Kiara and Kiki were best friends. It was almost Kiara's eighteenth birthday and her powers were getting harder and harder to control.
"What's wrong hon?" Asked Kiki after Kiara had sat down with a worried expression on her face.
"Oh I blew up another desk today when I was trying to get it to levitate." Kiara sighed.
"That's really not good Kiara." Said Kenai from behind her. He made Kiara jump which made a branch from the tree they were sitting under fall to the ground.
"Kenai! I'm really sorry, I'm trying really hard, but I just can't get the hang of it." Kiara buried her face in her hands. "If I don't get my powers under control soon my mom will be so distraught if they destroy me. What on earth am I gonna do?"
"Don't worry Kiara. We'll help you, Kenai and I are start pupils," offered Kiki.
"That's right! We'll have you shaped up in no time! By the time we are done with you, you'll be top of the class."
"Really?" Kiara looked up.
"Yes, really." Kiki promised.
"Thanks guys, this means a lot to me."
The next few weeks they worked with Kiara during their breaks and lunch. Kiki and Kenai would also take turns staying up late drilling Kiara on spells and charms. By the end of the year Kiara had stunned all of her teachers with her quick understanding of the subjects. They had all but labeled her as a lost cause. She could also do all of the spells on command without even needing the incantations. She quickly rose to the top of every class.
"Kiki! Kenai! Guess what? I passed all of my classes with flying colors!" Kiara exclaimed as she bounced up to them.
"That's great Kiara." Said Kenai as he gave her a kiss on her forehead.
"Yeah, I'm so glad we could help." Said Kiki as she flounced over to give Kiara a hug.
"Now I can tell my mom that I have my powers under control!"
"That's terrific sweetie." Said Kenai without much enthusiasm. Then a worried expression came over his and Kiki's face.
"What is wrong with you two? I thought you would be ecstatic that I have my powers under control."
"We are happy about that, believe me," said Kiki.
"But we don't want you to leave," added Kenai.
"Is that all?" Kiara almost laughed. "My mom would have to pry me from this place with a crowbar. I finally have somewhere that I feel at home and comfortable. I finally have somewhere I belong." Both Kiki and Kenai looked extremely relieved. "Is that all you guys were worried about?"
"Yeah," Kenai and Kiki mumbled embarrassed.
"Oh guys, I love you both too much to leave now. And I still have way too much still to learn."

Porcelain Rose

2008-10-15T17:18:00.000-07:00

this is the first short story that i've written, i wrote it my senior year in high school, basically i needed something to do to fill up pages in private writing for Aldy's class and Aldy was desperate for writing for Minds, usually when i get started on a story i'm obsessive until i finish, so it usually doesn't take me that long to finish, but currrently i have two stories in the making, one that i need to catch up on since i haven't worked on it in almost 4 months, and one that i started this summer and just kinda dropped after a while, i started working on that one last week, but lately i've been too busy to spend my time on obsessive creative writing projects. so here is Porcelain Rose, and i'll post Magically Fatal and Miss-judged Miss-take soon, probably today

Melody was sitting with her friends at lunch. It was just a normal day at school. She was spacing out as normal, and her friends were chatting animatedly around her. Her boyfriend was trying to engage her in the group's conversation, her best friend since first grade, Kristin, was looking at her with a worried look on her face.
"Melody, what's wrong?" Kristin asked. "I know that you usually space out at lunch, but you look like someone has died."
"What? Oh, sorry Kris, I was just thinking about my dream last night, it was really strange," Melody responded.
"Really, what was it about?" asked Kris with enthusiasm.
By this point Jack, her boyfriend, had given up trying to get her to socialize. "Well, I don't really feel like I can talk about it here, I don't want anyone else to know."
"Okay, no prob. I'll call you later tonight and you can tell me everything."
Melody agreed and Kristin went back to chatting with their other friends. The rest of the day passed in a kind of haze for Melody. She got back to her beat up little car that seemed like it was going to crumble into dust at any moment. She went home and immediately started her homework before her mother got home. Melody's mother worked in the local library and her father worked in City Hall. Even though her parents were divorced, sometimes they seemed like they were still married. Melody sighed with relief when she finished her history homework. She got up and stretched then headed toward the kitchen to start dinner, she decided to make a chicken pasta since her dad was coming over and he loved chicken. Right after she put it in the oven the phone rang and she had to run into the living room to get it. It was Kristin, "oh hey Kris," Melody greeted her.
"Hey Mel! So spill. What was your mysterious dream about?" Kris enthused.
"Well there was a guy–"
"Oh my goodness, your kidding!"
"Kris! Please let me finish."
"Oh, sorry Mel, I'll be good."
"Now as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, this boy had hair the color of toffee and eyes to match. His skit was like porcelain, and it looked like, well it's really hard to describe, but it looked really cold and smooth, almost like stone. Anyway, he walked, well more like glided, into the cafeteria and–"
"Wait, our caf? But he doesn't sound like anyone we know and in a town this small we know everybody!"
"Kris! I know, but ya gotta let me finish!"
"Oh, right sorry." She said in a small voice.
"Geez Kris, what on earth am I gonna do with you? Anyway," she sighed, "oh wait! I think my mom and dad are home and I have to finish fixing dinner, sorry hon. Uh, I'll e-mail you later okay?"
"Fine, but you are KILLING me with the suspense!"
"I know and I'm sorry, but I really do need to go."
"Okay, talk to you later tonight."
"Bye," she said as she hung up. "Hey momma, hi daddy."
"Hi honey." Her parents said in unison. Melody rolled her eyes.
"How was work?" She asked, addressing both of them.
"Fine, helping people find books we don't have because our town is so small," replied her mom.
"It was all right," said her dad, "we had council meetings all day."
"Oh, sounds fun." Melody quickly lied.
"You are such a bad liar," her mom laughed. "So how was your day?"
"It was all right, Jack was wonderful, as usual and Kris was hilarious," Mel reported.
"Oh, really," said her father.
"And you say I'm unconvincing?"
Her mom laughed, "Well you come by it honestly." Melody shrugged as she pulled the pasta from the oven and traded it with garlic bread. "Dinner smells great honey."
"Thanks mom, it's almost ready just ten or fifteen minutes for the bread."
When dinner was ready, they all sat down and talked about their days in greater detail. When they were done with dinner her mom did the dishes as usual and her dad went into the living room to watch t.v. Melody ran upstairs to "finish her homework." As soon as she got upstairs and her computer booted up she wrote the rest of her dream in an e-mail to Kristin. She told Kris that when he did walk into the cafeteria the sun was shining just right through the windows that it made him look even more like an angel, since he looked like one anyway. As soon as she finished relaying the story and Kris had time to read it and respond, she got and e-mail from Kris that said "that sounds great Mel, but things like that just don't happen." Melody scowled, leave it to Kris to ask for all the corny details and then be the voice of reason. Okay, I'll admit it is true, but a girl can still hope, can't she? Melody wondered
The night passed quickly and dreamlessly. The next day at lunch Melody seemed to be a little more interested in the conversation, she had obviously recovered from her strange dream. Suddenly Kris gasped and pointed behind Melody to the doors. Melody spun around and her breath caught in her troat.
It was the boy from her dream.
She just couldn't look away. She couldn't believe it! Kristin had looked away quickly, not as star struck as Melody. Melody felt like her heart was going to explode because she was so happy, yet she also felt kinda sick to her stomach and she was really nervous. He looked at her and it felt to Melody that his eyes could see down to her soul, then he smiled at her and her stomach was so full of butterflies that she thought she was going to choke. She was surprised to find how self-conscious he made her feel and she quickly looked away from him. She tried really hard to concentrate on what Kris and Jack we discussing but she could feel the new boy's eyes on her for the rest of the period.
When she got to band and she got her clarinet together and was moistening her reed, the new boy came in and looked in her direction on his way to speak to the teacher. Melody turned quickly to her friend, Claire, and asked, "I wonder what instrument he plays?"
"I don't know, but it looks like he's going to either the trumpet or percussion section." Claire stated.
"Oh goody, another drummer." Said Melody, her voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Actually, I think he is going to the trumpet section, I wonder if he is any good." Claire mused.
"Oh, never mind, we are short on trumpets this year."
It took all that Melody had to concentrate on her music and to what the teacher was saying. When the day was over, Melody all but ran to her car. She way him standing against as shiny blue mustang with a smirk on his face that almost made her stop cold and hyperventilate. When he noticed this, he snickered, which made her turn and even deeper shade of red. When she got home she immediately went upstairs to her room in order to try to get a hold of Kris somehow. Luckily Kris was already home and online.
"Melody," she typed, "did you see how he looked at you?"
"I don't know what or whom you are talking about."
"Don't play innocent with me. I know you better than that."
Damn. Melody thought. "You're right I know what you're talking about, but I'll have to talk to you about it tomorrow I have a mountain of homework to do tonight, sorry Kris." and she quickly signed off. That was a close one, she is such a gossip I have no idea what I would have told her.
That night her dreams were filled with visions of his face.
When Melody got to school the next morning she found a single black rose on her desk. She immediately thought it was from Jack, but when he saw it he got angry and offended that someone else was giving his girlfriend roses. Mel felt really bad that the flower had offended Jack but it was so beautiful and unique that she couldn't bring herself to get rid of it. At lunch she felt compelled to join this strange new boy but she felt so shy at the thought of it that she couldn't bring her self to do it. During band she could feel his eyes on her for the entire class, but she fought the urge to look back at him, knowing that it would make it even harder to concentrate. After class she caught up with him and decided to ask him his name.
"My name is Alex," he said before she could even ask.
"How did you know I was going to ask that?" she demanded
"Lucky guess, I'm the new kid in town so I've been getting that question a lot."
"But I haven't seen anyone else around you."
"Yes, but Melody, you aren't in any of my other classes."
"True, I guess, but all the other trumpet players seem almost afraid of you."
"I don't know I guess they are nervous around me."
"Yeah I guess so," said Melody, resigned. "Hey, Alex, how did you—" she started but he was gone. What the . . . oh well.
As soon as she got home, she could hear the phone ring. It was Kristin. She wanted to know what she had found out about the strange boy.
"Well, the first thing is that he has a name, and it is Alex. And when I was near him, his skin didn't seem to give off any heat. I also noticed, in band, that he is the best trumpet player that I have ever heard, and that includes the professionals."
"Really? He sounds really weird, but I think he likes you!"
Melody was suddenly glad she was on the phone with Kris so she couldn't see her blush. "How can you tell?" She challenged.
"How can you not!? It is totally obvious!"
"Okay if what you say is true, about him liking me, then what on earth am I gonna do about Jack. I don't want to hurt him, but Alex is all I can think about!"
"I don't know Mel, but I'm quite sure he'll be able to bounce back."
"Okay, if you're sure," she sighed.
At school the next day Melody decided to have a real conversation with Alex. She didn't want to hurt Jack, but she needed to talk to him.
At lunch on her way to sit with Alex she shot an apologetic glance toward Kris and Jack. "May I sit with you Alex?" She asked hopefully.
"Of course you may Melody. What made you think you couldn't?"
"Oh nothing. I never got to ask you before, but how did you find out my name?"
"Is it really a wonder in a town this small? But if you must know I actually listened to the roll being called in band."
"Oh, duh! Wow I feel really dumb right now. Okay, no I have to ask you something else, was it you that left the rose on my desk in biology?"
"Yes, why? Didn't you like it?"
"No, no I loved it. Roses are my favorite flowers. It's just that I think it made my boyfriend kinda jealous."
"Oh, I see, but sorry that it made you uncomfortable that your boyfriend was jealous, but I don't honestly care what this boy, that I've never even met by the way, thinks of me. Especially since I think that you are the most beautiful girl I've eve seen." He looked over her shoulder and snickered.
"What, what's wrong?"
"Oh nothing, your boyfriend is just sitting over there shooting daggers at me."
She groaned. "I am so gonna kick is ass later. He can be so rude!"
"No need, I don't want you to get into a fight with your boyfriend because of me."
"Fine if you say so, but I'm still gonna talk to him later about it. Wait I thought you said that you don't care what he thinks?"
"I don't, why did you think I said that there is no need for you to kick his ass."
"Oh, well that makes sense."
"Besides, I think his reaction is hilarious."
"Yeah it kinda is, since he is usually so sure of himself. Ya know being a football star can kinda inflate an ego." Melody sighed.
"Your boyfriend is a football player?" Alex asked incredulously.
"Yes, why does it matter to you whom I decide to date?" She snapped.
"Well, you don't really seem like the type who would date a jock. And I care because from my experience jocks are notorious for not caring about their girlfriends feelings and only wanting them for arm candy," he snapped back.
Thank you for caring, but jocks also don't seem to fall for band geeks so I'm really sure he isn't like a stereotypical jock!" She replied acidly.
"Okay, fine, no need to bite my freaking head off!"
"Sorry," Melody mumbled. "So how long have you played trumpet since you are better than most professionals I've heard," Mel asked after an awkward pause.
"Well, a lot, let's just leave it at that," he replied without meeting her gaze.
Why won't he tell me? She wondered. "Why is your skin so pale and why is it always so cold?"
"I'll tell you later when we are alone," he replied as he looked around.
"When will that be?" Mel asked eagerly.
"Uh, how about at your house later tonight?"
"Well, I'm really sure my mom would appreciate some warning before I brought some boy over that she doesn't even know."
"Oh yeah of course, no problem," he paused. "I would like to see you again . . . tonight if possible."
Melody thought for a minute. "Wait, there is a gorgeous meadow in the woods behind my house. Can you meet me there after dinner?"
"Sounds perfect," said Alex smiling, yet his smile was more like a smirk. Melody was embarrassed and looked down so that he wouldn't see her blush.
The rest of the day seemed to pass in a blur. When she got home, she was still in a daze. "Darling, what is wrong with you? You seem terribly distracted," her mother worried.
"Oh, sorry mom, but I'm just worried. I think Jack is mad at me," responded Melody.
"I'm really sorry Mel." She comforted Melody. "I always thought he was awfully egotistical," she murmured.
"Yeah," she sighed, "hey mom, is it okay if I go on a walk for a bit?"
"Of course, but don't be too long, okay?"
"Yeah of course."
When she got to the meadow, she immediately noticed that Alex was there. All of her previous worries just melted away. She almost threw her self on him in relief and happiness, but she caught herself just in time. Instead she looked down at her shoes as a blush crept into her cheeks. Alex snickered. "You came," Melody whispered.
"Of course I did, I was the one who proposed this little reunion wasn't I? Melody, you didn't honestly believe I would bail on you did you?"
"Well, I didn't really know. I just met you and I'm really not that interesting and you seem so much more interesting than I am," she sighed, "I don't know, well I don't really seem like I'm worth your time."
"Oh, hardly, you are so much more interesting than you give yourself credit for," He laughed, "like when you blush, the girls I'm around don't seem embarrassed by anything," he quickly brushed his hand against her cheek.
"So," Melody said, quickly recovering, "you promised to tell me why you always seem so cold and why your skin is so pale."
"Very well, I had been hoping to prolong this. I enjoy your company so much and I don't want to scare you."
"Are you serious?" She looked at him like he was crazy. "Trust me. It is hard to scare me."
"Okay, okay! Fine, have it your way, but don't say I didn't warn you."
"Will you just spit it out?" She was practically exploding with curiosity.
"Fine! I'm a . . ." He sighed.
"You're a what?"
"I'm a . . . .Vampire. There I said it, are you happy now?"
"Yes, and I'm not scared. I told you." She replied. Even though I probably should be scared, she thought.
"Really?" He inched closer.
"Yes really. I enjoy your company too much to be frightened," she informed him.
"Well that's good, but what are we going to do about your boyfriend's jealousy problem?"
Melody scowled, "I'm starting to think that you were right, about him not being right for me," she sighed again and shook her head. "But honestly I don't know what I'm gonna do about him."
"If you like I could talk to him for you," he offered with a mischievous glint in his eye.
"I don't think that will help much, but thanks and I'll be sure to keep the offer in mind." And she couldn't help to laugh along with him.
Suddenly Alex leaned over and kissed her. Melody was surprised to find that she really liked it. Yet just as suddenly as it started, it ended. It was awkward for a few moments. Then Mel stood up and told Alex that she had to go because she had promised her mom she would be home soon.
"Okay," Alex said. "Do you want me to walk you home?"
"Thanks for the offer, but I'd better now, my mom can get quite paranoid and my dad is there too."
"Oh, okay," Alex looked disappointed.
This time it was Melody's turn to surprise him with a kiss after it was over Melody walked home with a huge grin on her face.
"Did you have good walk?" Her mother asked.
"Yeah, but I'm really tired so im gonna go to bed now."
"Okay honey, good night."
"Night momma, night daddy," she said as she kissed each of them on the cheek and feigned a yawn on her way upstairs.
"Good night honey," her dad called after her.
As soon as she got to her room she e-mailed Kris to tell her about the nights events, but not before making her promise that she wouldn't tell Jack. That night her dreams were filled with images of Alex. The next morning she found another black rose on her desk in biology. She carefully set it aside with a smile.
"Who's that from?" Asked her lab partner, Petunia.
"Oh someone," replied Melody
"It isn't from Jack?" Asked Petunia in amazement.
"No." Melody scoffed. "Do you honestly believe that Jack would get up early enough to put a rose on my desk when he was a home period? And do you think that if he ever did do that he would choose a black rose?"
"No, I guess not." Said Petunia embarrassed. "Still, he's gonna be very mad when he finds out that you're getting roses from someone else."
"Yeah well, he'd been less and less concerned with me lately so I don't really care what he thinks."
"Oh, I'm really sorry Mel!"
Melody sighed, "it's okay, and I'm really sorry for snapping at you."
"It's fine Melody."
The rest of the class passed in silence. Melody was dreading seeing Jack because she knew what she had to do. She had been planning what she would say to him all morning so when she saw him she said, "Jack, we need to talk."
"Okay, what is it honey?"
"You know I love you, but lately I've been thinking that the love I have for you has changed from being your girlfriend to being more like your sister."
"Oh, well, is that it?"
"Yes, I'm really sorry Jack," she looked really miserable.
"Ya know what? It's fine. I've been starting to think the same thing."
They quickly embraced and then went to their separate classes. At lunch Melody only glanced at her old table, only long enough to see that Jack had already moved on. To Kris, her best friend. Even thought she had broken up with him, it still hurt to see with Kris, especially so soon after she and Jack had broken up. Oh well, she thought, I guess I deserve it.
What's wrong Melody?" Asked Alex with a concerned look on his face.
"Nothing," she replied as everything that really was wrong just seemed to roll off of her.
"I don't believe you."
"Oh, fine." She replied and she told him everything, she couldn't keep a secret from Alex no matter how hard she tried.
"Oh, I'm really sorry Melody." He reached over to push a stray lock of hair back behind her ear. Before he could pull his hand away, Melody had grabbed it and had put it against her cheek.
"It's fine Alex. I swear." Now that I have you, she thought. They talked for a long time before they realized that the cafeteria was almost empty.
In band she looked over at him and he gave her a small quick little smile. "So, what's up with you and the new guy?" Claire asked pulling Melody out of her own little world with how much enthusiasm Claire asked and Melody laughed.
"I don't really know yet."
"What is Jack gonna think? Tsk tsk tsk."
"Honestly, Claire, I don't care. I broke up him this morning."
"Really? Then he's free?"
Melody laughed again. "I don't really think so. I saw him all over Kris earlier at lunch."
"Oh," was all Claire could muster in response.
When Melody got home and she and her mom were eating dinner she announced that she was going to go for another walk after dinner. "Okay, that's fine honey. Is everything all right? You don't usually take walks so often."
"Yeah, I've just had a lot on my mind lately."
After dinner she donned her jacket and headed out. I'll admit, it's a long shot, I meant I didn't tell him to meet me there again tonight. But when she got there she saw him and she didn't hold back this time as she flew towards him and gave him a huge hug and a kiss. They stayed in that embrace for a long time and eventually they lay down and looked at the stars through the clouds. They seemed so happy, yet Alex was troubled.
The rest of the school year passed in very much the same way. Occasionally a black rose would find it's way onto her desk in one of her classes. Over time she became close with Kris again, after she had forgiven her for dating Jack so soon after Melody had broken up with him. They were closer than ever, she had even forgiven Jack for dating her best friend and they were friends again. There was always one thing that Melody could never share with Kris though, it was the one thing that was only between Melody and Alex. She would also visit Alex in the meadow once a week, just so her mother would never get suspicious.
At the end of the year, after graduation, Melody went to visit Alex in their meadow as they had agreed earlier that day. When she saw him she ran to him and hugged him, but he looked distracted. "What's wrong Alex?" Melody asked him, worried.
"The thing is Melody my family is moving, you see we can't stay in anyone place for very long."
"I can understand that, but you just moved here!"
"I know, but my dad thinks that some of the people in town are starting to get suspicious of us."
"Oh," she turned away, she wouldn't let him see her cry.
"Melody . . ." He started, but faltered.
"No, no it's fine, but there is just one thing I need to know."
"Anything," he promised.
"Will I see you again?" She turned back around to face him, no longer caring if he saw her cry.
"I'm sorry, I don't know the answer to that."
"Oh, I see."
"I'm really sorry Melody."
"It's fine," she replied trying really hard not to cry. She would save that for when she was alone in her room.
"Well I guess this is goodbye."
"Yeah I guess so."
They kissed one last time and he was gone. Melody knew she should get home before it started to rain, but she was frozen place. If anyone had seen her in that moment, they might say she looked kind of shell shocked. Eventually she found her legs and started moving in the general direction of her home.
Years passed and she had graduated from College with her credentials. She was married and had two beautiful kids. She seemed happy, but she could never forget Alex. Then it was time for her twenty-year reunion. She didn't go to the ten-year reunion because it was too soon after high school, but she felt this overwhelming need to go to her reunion. She and her husband left the kids with Melody's mother for the weekend while they went to the reunion. When she got there, she saw Alex, holding a black rose waiting for her. She froze and her husband asked her what was wrong. "Nothing," she replied, "just someone I wasn't expecting to see. I'll be right back."
"Hello Melody, who was that you're with?"
"No need to be so icy Alex, that's my husband, I didn't think I was ever going to see you again, so I tried to move on."
"I see."
"I'm sorry Alex, but if I had known that you were coming back I would have waited, and I did wait, for a long time after college, but I couldn't wait any more Alex."
"I understand Melody, I didn't really know what to expect after me being gone for so long."
"I don't think you do understand Alex, but I don't care because I'm really happy, probably not as happy as I would have been with you, but still I'm happy."
"You're right Melody, I don't understand, but that's okay, because I love you and I want you to be happy, no matter what the expense."
"I love you too Alex, and I always will." Alex handed her the rose and she walked back to her husband and looked back at Alex, she knew that he had changed her life forever.

i love.....

2008-10-15T09:50:00.000-07:00

being a spectator to dorm drama. drama is so much more fun when i'm not a part of it. haha my roommate had like 16 shots and half a bottle of chardonnay. it was one of her guy friend's birthdays and she stayed even with him the whole night, the only difference, he blacked out and she didn't. so props to Tiny for that, i guess...but yeah she was so trashed last night, she woke me up at about 12:30 and i didn't get back to sleep until about 2, in this time i think i got out of bed and turned the lights off about 5 times, and she came in sobbing about this guy, but she got over that really quickly, like a minute after she came in she was laughing hysterically. then she left again and yeah she like hit the back of her calf on something, she broke her toe nail almost completely off and she did something else that escapes me at this moment. oh and she went skinny dipping last night too...yeah how did i end up with one of the biggest partiers are Craig Student Living? haha, it doesn't usually bother me, unless i'm trying to sleep when i have a class the next day, like it doesn't bother me as much on weekends, if i'm home, i'm usually hanging out with people all weekend, or am out of town, but yeah cause then i don't have to get up the next day, weekdays it is a different story, i have 8 am classes monday, wednesday, friday, and 9:30 classes tuesday, thursday. last time i do that! haha, probably not. but yeah, it was interesting, but yeah part of the drama was apparently Hannah (Tiny's best friend) is apparently screwing the guy that Tiny likes. or something to that effect, like i said i love it when i'm a spectator to drama. haha

dreams are fun, yet can be confusing

2008-10-13T21:40:00.000-07:00

well i'm going to one of his shows a week from this coming Saturday with mia, keith, and jorge, and i think this is a different dream, but after the show i ran up to him and kissed him, and he kissed me back and yeah thats basically it for that one, but the second one we were dating, i think, and we were trying to fly to chico i think from like LA, but our tickets said LA to England, and i got the ticket with someone who is like a mother to me, but i can't remember who it was now, anyway we were like running around trying to get our tickets fixed and what not and whenever i lost him in the crowd or went to the bathroom or something i saw through his eyes and whenever he wasn't around me he was antsy, and when we had to get on the plane i saw my dad and step mom and little sister, which started another running around thing, i can't remember why, but we finally boarded and we asked the guy about our tickets and he said they were fine, we'd still end up in chico, and throughout this dream there was this other guy following us around that liked me, but i liked him too, but liked ben more, and when we got on the plane i was sitting next to the guy that was following me around, but ben wanted to switch with him, and they got in a verbal fight, and ben won, and i was holding his hand and i fell asleep on his shoulder and then i woke up and later i figured out who the other guy was, and it was tyler, the hottie that sings and is from my theory, piano, and aural classes, yeah it was weird

meh (again)

2008-10-12T21:11:00.000-07:00

ok so not that i don't love Sonoma, i do, but i am SO glad to be back in Chico, despite the fact that i have lived in Sonoma since i was 3, i feel more at home in Chico. and i just realized (this came out of the blue, i was totally happy and copacetic) but i am in dire need of a girls night, i need time to just sit, watch chick flicks, talk about how stupid and clueless guys are. well i guess this isn't totally out of the blue cause i kinda did that with kaleen and vanessa today at dinner, we ordered pizza to go from Celestino's ate it outside (despite the fact that kaleen and i were freezing) in front of the PAC and had really funny, awkward conversations, one of which includes vanessa trying to find kaleen and i boyfriends (to that i said good luck, cause the guys will probably fall for you! kaleen agreed) and another of which included kaleen telling us a story that included her yelling vagina (she didn't mean to yell she just kinda did) and this cute guy walking by, vanessa apologizing, really loudly, and the guy walking away, not even looking at us, smiling. ah the things tha happen when you're just with your girl friends, lol. but then when we got back to craig, they both went to their rooms (in a different building) and i walked back to my room wishing we had been able to hang out longer, so i got on my computer and started talking to el-bitz which is fun, i love el-bitz!! and being frustrated that i have over 20 people from my friends list online and ben isn't online (i really hope he doesn't read this, well idk, i have mixed feelings about that) like i want a girls night, but i also really wanna hang out with, or at least talk to, ben, yeah i know my brain needs to make up its mind, but i'm pretty sure i'm leaning more towards the girls night thing! meh i miss my girl friends from sonoma (not that i don't love my girl friends here) but yeah, so i think thats about it...if it isn't then i'll post another blog, haha

meh

2008-10-06T17:24:00.000-07:00

i miss the stability of high school. you had a set schedule, someone to tell you what you needed to do, and if you weren't doing it, they called you in and talked about it. that isn't what this blog is really about, that was just a side note. but i do miss having friends that i saw everyday at school, i knew when they were free, i could go up to them and talk to them, and if i was having a crappy day, they would help, or try too and some would just listen and some would just give me a hug, that is what i miss most of all, the hugs, there aren't very many people here that will just give you hug, i know one person, and i never see him. and that's his normal greeting, is a hug, he doesn't seem to give it a second thought. i like being in sonoma, because i see doug and if i need a hug, i don't even need to tell him, i can just go up to him and give him a hug, and he gives really good hugs. i want to cry, i want to curl up in a ball and wait for it all to be over. and most of all i'm tired of being the "mom" despite the fact that no one here really knows me as the "mom" besides my roomie and vanessa, i still have that persona, and to me that means i can't just collapse in a puddle and cry my eyes out. i guess i should tell you why i want to collapse and cry. basically my roommate is a bitch. its been building up for a while, like she'll come in at 3 am and wake me up (not intentionally but still) and she'll have people in our room when i'm trying to sleep, when she knows i'm trying to sleep and have a class the next morning, but last night i was in bed trying to get to sleep, but my acid reflux was acting up and it was making me sick, and she had people in here and she was talking and the subject came up that she think i'm eating her food, and she wants to film me (secretly obviously) to see if i really am, first of all i am not! and why would she think i was after she lets everyone else at craig eat her food too! basically i have an amazing amount of patience and she's getting dangerously close to the breaking point, but i don't want to ask for a room change because to me that is accepting defeat and it might prove to her that i heard her and i think it would tell her that i am eating her food even tho i'm not, so basically today i've been close to tears all day. and i want to go back to sonoma with my friends that i've known for 4+ years that will tell me what i should do and give me a hug and let me cry it out. meh i just can't deal with it anymore

it was fun, oddly enough....and fascinating

2008-10-02T17:12:00.000-07:00

so basically there was this guy and he was there for HOURS, i got there at 10 to 3 and this guy had been there at 1 pm and it was in full swing and he left to go to class and came back and it was still in full swing. but it started as this guy with a fetus arm on a dime in a huge sign (the pic i sent you) yelling at people that abortion is wrong, yadda yadda yadda, and then these women from the woman's center came out and made these signs (god ♥ 's everyone, free hugs for all, keep abortion safe and legal, etc.) and it started this huge ass debate, and there is this other guy (not yelling at us or talking down to us like previous guy) that had a sign saying judgement day is coming and lists all these people telling them to beware. (rebellious women, sports nuts, party animals, muslims, homosexuals, mormons, etc.) and a teacher came out during the end of it saying that that sign was hate! i fell in love with this teacher immediately and i don't know who she is. but anyway, it was supposed to be about abortion, but we covered a bunch of different topics and you know how much patience i have right? how it takes A LOT to piss me off and it usually builds up after a while of one thing and then i just blow up at them, well this took me maybe half an hour to get really, really pissed off at this guy. mainly because he said he was christian, but not religious (??) and i don't like christians that force their views down any one else's throat! it pisses me off!! it was fascinating to me it was like a train wreck, i couldn't look away! so i stayed untill the bitter end, well really close, the main guy started packing up (what i love is that the main people in the debate were men, there was a man trying to take away our right to an abortion and several men trying to save that same right! it was interesting, the woman's center's main issue was "how can a man tell us what to do with our bodies, how can you tell us that it is wrong when it is OUR CHILD!" i love these chicks! it was an awesome debate, i had fun just talking to the people in the crowd about it, i refused to talk to him about it because i knew he was doing it to get a rise out of us and i didn't want to feed his ego. it was fun

i hate people....

2008-10-01T16:25:00.000-07:00

girls mainly, but yeah. i went to get my laundry, thinking "oh its been 45 minutes the dryer should be done and i can get my laundry." well i went to get my laundry, and it was out of the dryer on top of a washer and it was still soaking wet! and there were two girls, one said "do you think i can start taking my laundry out yet?" there was still 35 minutes on the timer, i was thinking "your clothes aren't going to be dry after 10 minutes." gah! i think she took my clothes out of the dryer and put hers in, but i don't like want to draw conclusions, but if my clothes were in there for the entire 45 minutes, they wouldn't still be soaking wet, MAYBE damp, but yeah usually not even that. i'm venting, and i dont even know if i have any reason to be mad, but i'm still annoyed cause now i have to wait for them to be done and spend another $1.25 for the dryer, again! *grumbles* it is still REALLY, REALLY annoying, ok i need to calm down now, thank God i have dancing tonight, that always cheers me up. *sigh* *annoyance*

sorry, i know i'm blogging a lot., but i shit you not

2008-09-28T21:49:00.000-07:00

Burglar wakes men with spice rub, sausage attack
The Associated Press
Article Launched: 09/07/2008 03:57:19 PM PDT

FRESNO, Calif.Fresno County authorities have arrested a man they say broke into the home of two farmworkers, rubbed one with spices and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing.
Fresno County sheriff's Lt. Ian Burrimond says 22-year-old Antonio Vasquez of Fresno was found hiding in a nearby field wearing only a T-shirt, boxer shorts and socks.

Burrimond said Vasquez was arrested after deputies found a wallet containing his ID at the ransacked house just east of Fresno.
The victims told deputies they awoke Saturday morning to the stranger applying spices to one of them and striking the other with an 8-inch sausage.

Burrimond said money allegedly stolen in the burglary was recovered. The sausage was tossed away by the fleeing suspect and eaten by a dog.

I'm really confused right now

2008-09-28T21:16:00.000-07:00

ok so those of you that are really close to me or to debi, know that we haven't been speaking for the past, well, two months. and tonight she called me when i was hanging out with vanessa, one of my friends here in chico, and it was kind of awkward for me. ya know? i'm really confused, i don't know if God said, "oh debi has done all she can in your life right now," but then said, "oh wait, she's not done, you have stuff you can learn from her." or what is going through his mind right now. its all very confusing, especially to me, since i believe that everyone comes into my life for a reason and when there purpose is done they kind of fade out of the picture, usually much to my dismay. but she called and it was kinda like old times, ya know? we just kinda fell back into our old thing like nothing had happened, and i think that may have been wrong cause something did happen and i was very confused during the phone call and i don't know if i'm wrong for feeling that we shouldn't have acted like nothing happened. i don't want to spark another fight or anything, but i'm kind of confused. i don't know what God is planning in my life, but i just have to trust him, as usual

are you kidding me?

2008-09-28T17:31:00.001-07:00

http://www.gamedaily.com/articles/galleries/spores-spicy-beginning/?page=2

how is spore anti-christian?

i feel like i should make a post

2008-09-26T15:31:00.000-07:00

but i don't know what about. *shrug* idk. i want to gush about dave (for those of you who i've told about jake, its the same guy, i got the name wrong, and don't make fun of me for it i've only like talked to him like 3 times total, ok well more than that, but still not much) oh and i was going to like offer to help him with the west coast swing (where i met him and he sucks) but he's improved greatly he's even started coming to the intermediate hour with me. *grins* i really like him and yeah he's great and sweet and a joy to be around and all that good stuff, but i seem to have run into a slight dilemma. i think he smokes, and the sad part i still like him a lot. but the smell of the smoke doesn't bother me its the actual smoke, so as long as he doesn't smoke around me, i should be fine. but ew, nasty habit!! grrrrrrrrrr its so frustrating that i still like him even tho i'm trying hard not to considering this new little con that i've recently discovered. i seem like i'm writing a lot about guy issues. and i apologize for that, but if you don't like it, well then don't read my blog! haha so there! it is kinda a no brainer that if you have a problem with it then don't read it, duh! anyway, i'm in a weird mood, but what else is new. anyway yeah i don't really have anymore to say. *shrug*

am i pushy?

2008-09-11T21:49:00.000-07:00

seriously? am i pushy? this guy i like, like hasn't talked to me in days, i haven't told him, but i've been sending out hugs on facebook and stuff, but i send those to everyone, and i invited him to west coast swing with me, but i also invited vanessa and rachel, but i don't think i told him that. oops. but now whenever i notice he's online he like automatically signs off, its annoying. i've been talking with el-bitz about it (love her to death!!!!!) and she says to just wait, but i hate waiting, and anyone who has known me for any substatial amount of time knows that. GAH!!!!!! *hits head against wall in frustration* why are guys hard to figure out? well they are to me. like he treats me like a normal friend, and nothing more, but then he gave me hug the other day, and true it was like a lame one armed hug, but still that might have been because i had my books and notebook and pencil for aural and my check book for something later, in one arm. i don't know, and then i invite him somewhere with friends and he like ignores me! someone help me?! please? oh i've also been talking to becky and rosa and christine and rachel kemp (not previously mentioned rachel) and they basically laugh at me, well rachel and christine laugh at me, but i think becky and mia are getting tired of hearing about it too. *shrug* i'd probably be gushing to debi, but she's still not talking to me, despite the happy brithday text she sent me, which confused me, but any way i'm getting off topic now, hey what a surprise! since i swear i have ADD, anyway SO not the point. gah!! i just don't know what to do, and it totally doesn't help that i think about him all the time and it makes it really hard to concentrate in classes, fuck i hate guys, not really, obviously, but they are frustrating and annoying and ugh, but they make me happy and idk! fuck!

oh and this guy, K, (no seriously that is his name) keeps hitting on me, but he's also hitting on my friend vanessa, he's nice and all, but he's 26. helloooo so not for that age difference. but there are cute guys and stuff in dance and all that, like one of the TA's he's so nice and everything and when i dance with him he's like winking at me and smiling and like poking fun at me, but also says when i dance that i'm perfect, and since i'm almost always doubled up with another girl and one guy has to lead both of us (not at the same time) but he like never says it to the other girl, hes sweet and nice a cute and he's 21, that age difference doesn't bother me, and he'll wink at me after class when he sees, me and he winked at me and gave me a high five or whatever at west coast swing on wednesday. also two of my three partners for west coast were really cute, and my third, not as cute, but i've seen worse, was my best lead of the evening and he was complimenting me and stuff, but he smelled weird to me, like he didn't smell bad, but his smell just didn't appeal to me, which was awkward cause the step we learned was the sugar push and i was about 3 inches away from him. he was so sweet tho, he said i already danced at the intermediate level, and that was my first west coast lesson. he said this when vanessa and i were aruguing over if we were going to stay for the intermediate hour, but what ever, i like the TA, but i also like Ben, but Ben like won't even respond to my messages on facebook i'm sending him, and all i did was give him the info for the west coast in case he decided to come *sigh* i don't know

confused? :-s

2008-08-31T22:03:00.000-07:00

ok so i met this guy at orientation, his name is ben day, and he is amazingly sweet. like really old fashioned sweet. and i don't really know why, but he makes me melt. like seriously omg. he's so sweet, i know i've already said this, but i sent some of our conversations to l-bitz and she thought he was like awesome. it was amazing. he's all like my apologies when he takes a while to respond to messages or IM's or something. and like "How is life and all that wonder?" its just amazing, yeah i know i'm repeating myself. but there is this other guy, that is really cute, well they are both really cute, but this guy (i can't even remember his name, but i've only met him twice) he's really nice and it seems like he goes out of his way to be nice to me, like he sat with me at dinner tonight at church, he was the only one i knew at the table, and he approached me at church before dinner and asked if i was going to have dinner and walked me down. he's also amazing and cute, idk. they are both amazing. but i'm basically smitten with ben, he's just so amazing!

moved in

2008-08-20T22:05:00.000-07:00

i moved in today, if you care. it was fun, yet hectic. sarah, my roomie, and i moved in at the exact same time, so that was oh so much fun *sarcasm* well it was fun, to an extent, she's nice, but it was hectic with my whole family there (mom, sister/brother, grandma, and grandpa) and her family (mom and dad). in one very small room, not as small as it would be if i was living on campus. but it looks okay now, and my grandma is weird, she took a picture of my closet. MY CLOSET!!!! weird right? anyway, sarah, i think is partier, she looked up a black light party (?) idk, and asked if i wanted to go, and then asked if ever partied in sonoma, or if i drank (the answer to both of those is no btw) but i went to dinner with vanessa, she lives above me (literally right above me) i went to woodstocks (best pizza EVER) i apparently met her at orientation, but i don't really remember her. oh apparently i was supposed to get my mail box number when i got my picture, but that didn't happen and idk why, but it is annoying me. *shrug* i'll try and get it tomorrow. sarah is still out, yeah i stopped to sleep and she still isn't back! weird, she didn't even call, its common courtesy to call someone you're living with to tell them how late you will be out. and she returns, she said that she crashed at her cousins house more later.

2008-07-26T21:46:00.000-07:00

i don't know what to say, i thought i had ideas when i wanted to write, but now i'm basically clueless. hmm, i don't know what i've been doing lately. my best friend and i had a major fight and she doesn't consider us friends anymore. i'd prefer to still be friends, just because we've been through so much together. *sigh* i'm not gonna lie, i knew we were drifting apart, but i was hoping that i was wrong. truthfully, i saw this coming like a semi-truck. oddly enough i think i've been drifting apart from the people that were in my graduating class and closer to people that are a few years younger than i am. well with a few exceptions, i have been getting closer with some people older than i am and one person in my graduating class. i didn't/don't want this to be true, but i know it is. the only thing i can do now is trust in God because i know he has a plan for me and he has my best interest in heart and mind. it is kind of annoying and confusing when i don't always know what he means in what he does for me. but i have to trust in him. oh well. hope everyone has fun while i'm sweating and aching in New Orleans

sigh

2008-07-24T22:02:00.000-07:00

Some times i just wish we could all go back to elementary school. it was so much easier then, i'm excited to be on my own soon, but does everyone have to be such a bitch? i don't know what to do anymore, i wish people would stop treating me like i know everything, i don't. i'm only seventeen. i know the common perception of teenagers is that we think we know everything and we think we are invincible, but i never thought that. i've never thought i was invincible, i've never known everything, in fact, for most of my life i thought i didn't know anything at all, the only thing in my life that came even remotely easy to me was music and even that has almost always been a challenge, but that's why i love it, it has always challenged me, yeah its frustrating at times, but i've also been modest about it. thats probably because i've had so many people tell me that i suck. i've had more people tell me that i'm good, no one has ever said, "oh you were great" or "That was terrific!" at least not people i knew were telling the truth. i've never been stellar at math, in fact in 7th grade i failed my exit skill in math, not even my friends that have had to repeat math courses have ever said that. ha. i'm kind of happy to be leaving and to make new friends, not that i don't love my friends here, but i do think that some of them need to grow up a little sometimes. there are times when immaturity is fine and i love it, but other times, its tiring. there are also times when i feel like crying and dancing all at once. when i'm proud of myself for standing up for myself (i have a history of being a wallflower) but sad cause i might lose a close friend over my standing up for myself. i feel like crying, just curling into a little ball and disappearing, i doubt anyone other than my immediate family would miss me anyway. everyone seems a little weird to me, like really touchy or something. i don't know what it is but i think its catching like a plague or something. i want to be happy, i really do, i'm excited to go to new orleans and help people (i'm not bragging, i don't brag, i don't even like writing essays about what i did over the summer when the most influential thing i did all summer was my mission trip) i had to put what i did in the way of public service for a scholarship once and i think i down played it way too much, but oh well, i don't want praise, i do it because i like to, i have fun doing it, if someone notices and says thank you for doing this, or we are proud of you for doing this, i'll probably blush and say thank you, or it was nothing or no big deal or something like that. im also excited to see my friends that i only see about twice a year. i am so excited for college! i mean i get to meet new people, experience things for myself, i can have alone time if i need it, i mean, what's not to be excited about!? i love my friends and everything, but i need time away from these same old people that i've known forever and this same old town that i've lived in since i was three, i need time to spread my wings and fly (sorry for over used metaphor) but it is finally my time to earn my stripes earn my chance to escape. ya know? sometimes i just wish that people could read my thoughts it would change so much of everyday life. no one would have build up feelings anymore and maybe we could finally have peace in the desolate land we call earth. and now i'm done cause i can't really type anymore. if you read this then congrats you know some of the inner most workings of my mind.

college schedule (revised)

2008-07-17T22:19:00.000-07:00

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday i have Academic Writing (ewwww, but it is GE required!)

Tuesday and Thursday i have Music Theory I, Aural Musicianship I (Ear Training), and Beginning Piano I

Tuesday i have Women's Ballroom

Friday i have Math 051 (ew algebra! but easy A since i'm good at algebra and then second semester i actually get to take my GE math class!!! YAY)

i added a class on mondays from 7-10 pm and that class would be university choir, which is kinda like sonoma valley chorale

COLLEGE SCHEDULE!!!!!

2008-07-16T16:09:00.000-07:00

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday i have Academic Writing (ewwww, but it is GE required!)

Tuesday and Thursday i have Music Theory I, Aural Musicianship I (Ear Training), and Beginning Piano I

Tuesday i have Women's Ballroom

Friday i have Math 051 (ew algebra! but easy A since i'm good at algebra and then second semester i actually get to take my GE math class!!! YAY)

God Bless
Amanda C.

PS if you read this then you either have no life, or you really love me! yay!

orientation

2008-07-12T18:01:00.000-07:00

So, i have orientation on Monday and Tuesday. i'm leaving tomorrow after my church's Cafe du New Orleans. i don't even get to help with that since i have a job during this. yay uppity parents *rolls eyes* only two more weeks of working there, and then i get to start the job search in chico, on campus if i want that financial aid thing. blarg. but i get to share a dorm with a person with the same major as i do, so i probably won't hate her. that'll be fun. so it takes three hours to get to chico from here, and the Cafe ends at 1 pm, and sign in for dorms starts at 1 pm, so that will be interesting. i think my sister will have to bail on the Cafe early. i hope Dawne's okay with that. *shrugs* yeah orientation should be fun. i hope it is anyway. there is so much crap i need to take w/ me for that. ugh, but yeah still, its orientation. anyway i hope you enjoyed reading this short excerpt from my very boring life.

FUCK

2008-07-10T22:10:00.000-07:00

so i spent the night at my church for game night. that was fun, we played apples to apples for like 2 hours or something, we watched the pilot episode of Firefly, kinda sorta watched Robin Hood Men in Tights, but in the middle of that we took silly string and sprayed Dawne, our youth leader, then Ronnie, the Jon Reynolds, then Emily Hawing, and they sprayed me, which was totally uncalled for and Jessie Claeys (spelling?) was there, but she didn't shake her silly string enough so it came out in a powder or something, not stringy at all, which pissed every one off and she didn't like help clean up, she wouldn't even go get her own god damn pillow.

anyway i was woken up by ronnie and jon being asses and then i had to eat, pack, get dressed for vacation bible school, and set up my booth for vacation bible school in ten minutes. and then it got even better, i had virtually no kids at my booth, not even to finish or pick up their weaving, and i got heckled by little kids because i was the friend of the guy who denied Jesus three times (Peter if any of you are curious) it is really hard to get heckled by little kids that know that i don't really hate Jesus, but my character does, it is hard enough to be a Jesus hater without being heckled by 6 year olds. but i did get to by the Jerusalem Marketplace Music CD, i know it is music for kids, but it is cute and i liked it so i spend 5 dollars on it. i came home cause my sister wouldn't let me go and look at and pet the animals :-( so i went home and it must have been drive as slowly as possible and piss off amanda day or something cause i got behind the slowest cars on my way home. blah. that sucked.

when i got home my mom wanted to run to SRJC in Petaluma, but my sister threw a fit saying "i'm hungry, i'm tired, i just want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a nap" well so was i, she did not need to take it out on us, just because ronnie was an ass and a bottom-less pit and she dawdled in getting out of bed and getting dressed. so she didn't get to eat, also it is called a phone call someone to bring something for her to eat, it isn't that hard. and she could have come over to my booth for 10 seconds at any point in the day to get some freaking almonds. anyway so she like sat on me, my mom started freaking yelling at me for something she needs to do. it was just not good, i started crying, which was kinda a relief cause i've been feeling like a need a good cry for a while now, but i haven't been able to. but then i like stubbed my toe on a chair really hard and started crying again. caitlin kept turning my music off when ever i was listening to it, that pissed me off, and was probably the reason i started crying when ppl were yelling at me, i can usually hold it together, but it is easier if there is music going, also i don't get road rage when i have the radio on, so basically music keeps me sane, which is why i almost always have some music on.

i talked to various people throughout the day. debi came over and i saw and helped her name a baby rat so that was fun, but after she left i got my ETS scores back and i got 150 on English and 50 in math. the cutoff for English was supposed to be 151, so that pissed me off, but i still get to take a normal level English class, but i have to retake algebra. blarg. oh and i'm taking like 6 classes when my mom said i should take like 4, but i still need 15 units a semester in order to graduate on time and some of my 6 classes are only like 1 unit like my dance class and i have 3 classes that the units amount to 5 units total, but i need all of them and they come in a package deal or something. it just sucked

i was trying to find some place to stay in Chico with my mom for orientation, but since a lot of people had to be evacuated because of the fires, all of the hotels are full. so that really sucked.

oh and during the game night for my youth group jessie like didn't know anything about any of the cards. she couldn't even pronounce chameleon. seriously it made me want to curl up in a little ball and cry for the future of America. ronnie actually hit himself over the head w/ a DVD case so hard that it broke. so there were good parts and bad parts, but as in almost all aspects of life, the bad outweigh the bad. oh and you can bet your ass i'll be praying tonight, for patience for tomorrow, for hopefully a better day tomorrow, and yeah just better all i around i hope. God Bless you all. i just realized that in order for God to come through sometimes and prove that he does love you, but he will challenge you, he has to give you a crappy day. that is part of life and part of God's love. he will never throw something your way that you can't over come!

confuzled?

2008-07-10T13:53:00.000-07:00

here's the thing, i don't know if i like this guy. he's really sweet and funny and everything, but he's like my little brother. we tease each other constantly like siblings do, but lately, at youth group, i've been wanting to kiss him. NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE TO ME!!! i mean, besides the fact that i'm going away to college soon i couldn't possibly date him, he's already made it blatantly obvious that we are like siblings. i just don't know what to do. i want to cry too. argh!!!!

a definite girls night is in order.

help?

2008-07-06T14:45:00.000-07:00

I'm so stressed out right now. i can't even place why, i keep blaming it on stuff that never used to bother me. like work and school stuff, maybe my mom's stress is contagious. maybe it's all just piling up, that and i have no idea where my summer's gone, i only have about 11 days left! i have to pack for college, learn how to ride my bike and then figure out how to get it to chico, i haven't been to the gym in ages, or water aerobics in ages either. i was writing yesterday and instead of making me feel better like it usually does, i got all depressed. my mom's all in my face about financial aid when she didn't check her financial situation til now and all the financial aid applications for chico were due in may. and she keeps going on about how i need my costume and i got everything out and she said we'd do it after show was over and then she started watching something else. i just don't know what to do about her!!!! some times i think her having kids was a bad idea, but then i wouldn't be here and i wouldn't have learned what not to do when i have my own kids. so yeah silver lining with that. argh i'll post more later, when i actually know what is going on!

memories from the fourth

2008-07-04T23:28:00.000-07:00

ok so i've never been all that out-going, i think my most out-going moment was when i said hi to Rose McMackin in kindergarten and we were friends till like fifth grade or something

Anyway so this was when we went on like three or four family vacations a year two to Oregon and two to Pismo Beach or something. one year we went to Oregon and flew kites before the fireworks and hung out with Tricia's (one of my friends) friends and Caitlin had a major crush on this guy, it was kinda cute, but i never really liked him, but i tagged along because it was better than being stuck at the back of the truck with my family, who were drunk by this point. They had decided to bring their dogs, because they are a sucker for Anna and she wanted to bring the dogs or something along those lines, so being dogs, they got scared as soon as the fireworks started and we had to leave and go home so that they wouldn't run away.

Another year we went to Pismo for the Fourth. it was great, until our motor home got stuck in the sand because we under estimated the high tide. but we roasted marshmallows and had a blast watching two sets of fireworks. we would say ooh on one side and aah on the other. it was great. oh and we spent the entire day at the beach boogie boarding and digging holes and building sand castles and exploring the Dunes, because every time we went up it was a new adventure. it was a blast

for many years after that our family/friends from Washington State would come up for the races and stay for the fourth. since i never liked the races i would stay home with my mom and baby sit the bratty seven-year-old. debi can vouch for me, taya was a brat!! and they would come home and we would go to the fourth of july parade and they would get tired so i would have to come home with them so that would suck, but then we would go to a barbecue and then we always go to the fireworks really early and play games (mainly "Apples to Apples") till it gets too dark to see and then we play by the light of flash lights until the fireworks start, oh and we always laugh at my grandma's totally weird fear of bats, thats always fun.

one year debi came and stayed at my house for that entire week of the fourth, while her parents went camping. that was fun, and i'm surprised that we didn't kill each other, i don't even remember all of that summer other than debi practically lived at my house.

this summer i went to the parade, by my self, well besides my sister, and found friends and called Mrs. McElroy Barb, that was awesome. and i found friends and hung out, but almost everyone had to leave early so caitlin and i went too and helped my family w/ our barbecue, and when we were there, one of my family members was a complete and total ass well here is the whole story:

well jackie, one of our neighbors, is in a wheel chair and we invited her, because we love her, and her plate tipped over and his fam's dog was cleaning up like dogs do ya kno, and he yelled at me to not let her eat it (one she's not my dog, and 2 my dog was on a leash and restrained!) and then he yelled at me to try and clean it up off of jackie's chair but i didn't have anything to clean it up with so he practically threw a napkin at me and my aunt came over and brushed it off of jackie's chair and everything so it was totally fine, he was the only person that made a big deal out of it and everything and then after jen and i had it under control and got Jackie a new plate we went to get our own dinner and he cleaned it up off of the ground and then acted all high and mighty

he drives me crazy!!! ugh but, anyway after dinner i took zannah into my house and showed her some stuff and we basically hid in my room till he went home and then we proceeded to get ready for the fireworks, which were fun, my aunt, uncle, cousin, sister, zannah and i played "Apples to Apples" and then zannah had to leave so we kept playing and then becky came and she wanted to play and then a bunch of other ppl came and wanted to play so we were playing in the dark and it was pretty hilarious then we all watched the fireworks and keith koch and i conjectured about if aliens come to earth it would be to the USA on the fourth of july and we would get the earth annihilated, so basically all the time before and most of it after the incident were pretty cool

i hope everyone else had an amazing/awesome fourth of july

fourth of july

2008-07-04T14:54:00.000-07:00

ok so i was woken up by my cats causing mayhem in my room. my sister thought it would be a fun way to wake me up, yeah i hate her, anyway they were runing everywhere bending my blinds and eating my flowers and knocking over my coke bottle vase for said flowers. at one point he, max, ran over my head and pulled my hair, how i'm not entirely sure. anyway that sucked and then my grandma didn't want me to drive to the parade with my sister and was all worried and shit, so then when we got her agree to let me drive, we had to go over to my mom's house and wake her up so that she could write a note so i could actually, legally drive my sister today. so that was fun, not. then we got to the parade and she went off and did her thing, which kinda annoyed me, but w/e and i talked to barb at the snow cone booth and i saw kelly marie, i missed her, i haven't seen or talked to her since caravan last year. oh and i talked to gibby, that was fun, i hung out w/ the twins, all three of them (jeremy, justin, and nathan). and then i came home and made salsa, which i think james copied the recipe down wrong cause it doesn't look right, it still tastes good, but yeah it doesn't look the right consistancy, but it's still good, i need to confront him about that. i'm getting ready for a barbecue and hopefully suzannah is coming soon cause talking to my family about autism is kinda a downer. but yeah that should be fun? and then i'm going to the fireworks with same family except then they will probably be drunk and a whole hell of a lot more fun. but still annoying, just a different brand of annoying. oh and we were confronted by a creepy homeless(?) guy that has always kinda freaked me out, it doesn't matter that everyone says he is harmless, he is still freaky. so yeah that is/was my fourth of july. HAVE A GOOD FOURTH OF JULY!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-07-03T12:55:00.001-07:00

I PASSED MY DRIVER'S TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is one of the best days of my life, and the best week of my life continues, only now it is the best two weeks of my life so far. omigod!!!!!!!!!! i took in in vallejo and it was on of the longest times of my life, it was crazy, but now i'm hella happy. oh and to everyone that cares, namely nathan and anyone else, i promise that i will start to write in it so all y'all can know whats happening in chico!!!!!

Manda Panda

my halloween wish(es)

what's going on?

i don't care

Bozo or Boaz?

The Best Day

I think I'll try defying gravity, and you can't pull me down!

SPRING BREAK

i'm having issues

thank god for wake up calls

for your information

i keep wanting to think of really thought provoking titles,and fail

hmmmm

i can't think of a suitable title for this blog

i've decided............

synchroblog 3: Christmas

FUCK

what the HELL am i supposed to do NOW?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

fate's a bitch

it can't be possible

today was great

so........

i'm bored

Should I...?

*SQUEAL*

venting time

i'm thinking.....

synchroblog 2

Miss-judged Miss-take

Magically Fatal

Porcelain Rose

i love.....

dreams are fun, yet can be confusing

meh (again)

meh

it was fun, oddly enough....and fascinating

i hate people....

sorry, i know i'm blogging a lot., but i shit you not

I'm really confused right now

are you kidding me?

i feel like i should make a post

am i pushy?

confused? :-s

moved in

*sigh*

college schedule (revised)

COLLEGE SCHEDULE!!!!!

orientation

FUCK

confuzled?

help?

memories from the fourth

fourth of july

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SQUEAL

sigh