my halloween wish(es)

i would give ANYTHING to be genuinely happy again. i haven't been happy in i don't even know how long, and it sucks. the thing is, no one knows that i feel this way, and the ones that do pick up on me being super sad and stuff are always like "what's wrong? cheer up!" and i always want to smack them and say "don't you think that if i could help feeling like this, i would?" i mean, seriously? why on earth would i want to feel this sad and depressed this much? i think part of it is, i just don't feel like i completely belong anywhere, i mean sometimes i think i do, but then i feel like people get tired of me or something. idk, i always think that i have really awesome friends, and then sometimes when we're together i get the feeling like they just wish i would go away. i'm terrified that this is gonna happen with my best friend right now, cause we're kinda getting to the point where my truly awesome friends start forsaking me for new friends or better friends. they'll stop telling me when the group is going somewhere or doing something, and i always try really hard to include everyone in group stuff. i just don't know why i feel like people don't like me, i go through groups of friends super fast, and it sucks, i just wish i knew what i was doing so i could know if i could fix it or not. i just wish people liked me

her heart was left stranded. it was hurt and alone, no one it could turn to, left in turmoil, spiraling into a dark, bottomless abyss.

i'm drowning in a sea of my own sadness, frustration, anger. struggling, gasping for a breath. looking for some release, refuge. "it's all your fault." the doubts scream in my head, "this is all your own doing. what's the matter with you? why can't you just be happy? normal?" i'm so mad! when did my own thoughts decide to turn on me? and why is this MY fault? i scream. my lungs fill with water. i feel arms around my waist, pulling me up and up, toward air, toward refuge from this hell, but it doesn't matter, my lungs burn, and the voices are still screaming in my head. "you're worthless! you'll never be any good at anything. why would someone save you?" i try to shut them up by screaming, "because someone cares! i matter to someone! just SHUT UP!" i'm crying now. someone breathes air into me. i can hear him saying "NO! you are NOT going to die!" i cough and turn over, gasping in air. i can hear him sigh in relief. i look up at my savior, and smile, i haven't seen him in years. Matt. "i thought you had forgotten about me by now." he smiles back and says, "Never."

joy is like being filled to the brim by the ocean. it purs in until you are so full of it that you feel as though you are going to explode.

what's going on?

i've been feeling weird lately. kinda lonely, but not, kinda sad, but not. i don't know what to do, or what these feelings are coming from and it's frustrating. i had a dream last night and i was at my church in sonoma and someone in my family was getting married (my aunt? weird cause she's already married) anyway, but there was also a play being put on there with chico theatre people. and ben (one of my very best friends) was there to see it since he had friends in it. he came up to me and gave me a hug and asked what i was doing there so i told him and he told me what he was doing there and we sat down to watch a rehearsal of the play and he took my hand and starts caressing it with one hand and puts his other arm around me and i lean up against him and everything, but the entire time i'm thinking that this is really weird since he has a girlfriend (and for the record i don't like her, i don't know why, i just dont) but for the rest of the dream we kept being all lovey and shit, and it was just weird. but i kept having to run off and do stuff for the wedding and he was like following me and helping me and it was a weird dream. oh and there was this guy sitting on the other side of ben who apparently thought we were together or something or thought i had been giving him signs that i wanted to date him and he got really mad when ben and i got all cuddly but he kept saying "you were giving me signs like you wanted to be with me!" and everytime he tried to point something out all i could say was "i did?" or "i was? i'm sorry." i wanna talk to ellen about it, but she's busy in slo and santa barbara and idk when she'll be back. damn, i miss her. it takes a lot for me to feel comfortable enough with people to want to talk about this kind of stuff. but i feel really comfortable talking to her, i can't even usually talk about this kind of stuff with my family which is kinda sad, but ya know, whatevs. i need to widen my circle of people i trust, but i've been hurt so many times that i tend to guard myself closely. but anyway, i want ellen to come home so i can talk to her

i don't care

here's the thing, i don't care about drama. i'm trying to stay out of it, but here's the problem, two of my best friends won't stop talking to me about their drama. i love them both dearly, but really? i went to Reno Dance Sensation this last weekend and i was determined that i was gonna have a good time no matter what, but one of those friends also went and she was obsessed with this guy that she USED to date, and he has a new girlfriend, and my friend doesn't like the new gf, frankly i don't like her either, but it is his choice and i'm not gonna let the fact that this new chick is a bitch bring ruin my entire weekend. and she shouldn't have let it bother her either, especially when previously she had been going on an one about this guy that they were together for a while and he wanted to take a break and they probably will get back together. but OH MY GOD, i'm DONE. i can barely deal with my shit (school and friends and the fact that i like someone too) so i sure as hell can't deal with my shit AND someone elses!! jeez guys, figure it out and stop coming to me! i did that thing in high school, but, NEWS FLASH, we're not in high school anymore! sorry, that is my venting moment

Bozo or Boaz?

i went to my church small group and it was Mikaela's turn to share from this book, and the book is called "A Man Worth Waiting For" and basically it is saying to wait for your Boaz, who is this amazing guy in the book of Ruth, and basically the story goes: Ruth and Orpah were married to these guys who were sons of this woman named Naomi and her sons were killed somehow so Naomi was going to go back to the town she was from and she told her daughters in law not to come with her because it would be hard for them to make a life in a place that they did not come from and Orpah stayed in Moab but Ruth clung to Naomi basically saying "where you go, i will follow" so Ruth went with Naomi and since they had no way to make a livlihood (sp? if it's wrong, my spell check isn't fixing it) so the only way they could get food would be to glean the fields, which was basically going behind the reapers (the people who were sowing the crops) and gleaning was when you went behind them and picked up whatever was left. well this guy named Boaz, who was indirectly related to Naomi through her husband, who also died, saw Ruth gleaning the fields and asked why she was doing that and she told him about her and her mother-in-law and he basically told her that she should only glean in his fields and told his worker to not bother her and leave a certain amount of everything they sowed for her to glean, and he said that she could drink water that they had drawn when she got thirsty and he let her eat with them near the end of the day and when she went home to Naomi, Naomi asked her how she had come home with so much food and who had put her in their favor so Ruth told Naomi about Boaz and Naomi told her about the relation an eventually Ruth and Boaz got married and yeah that's basically the end of the story of Ruth (it's a short book) (if you want to read the full story read Ruth, yes all of it, it's only 4 chapters)

this book is also about avoiding the "bozos" who she connects to Prince Amnon who is this totally creepy guy who falls into lust with his SISTER, and gets "sick" and calls her to take care of him, basically taking advantage of the fact that she will take care of him and wants to get her alone so he can try and basically rape her and she says that she will not, that it will disgrace her and him and basically that she would marry him, but that she would not do this thing. he would not listen to her and since he was stronger he raped her, but after he hated her with such a strong hatred that it overpowered the "love" he had felt for her in the first place so he tried to send her out but she said that that would disgrace her even more than what he had already done to her but once again he would not listen and had a servent remove her from his chamber and had the door bolted after her. and the other brother eventually avenged the sister by killing Amnon. (if you want to read the full story read 2 Samuel 13)

and when my church small group was discussing these stories and everything i was thinking about how the Bozo or Boaz could relate to my own life and i came up with the guy i have a crush on and how he is Christian and basically everything that the book would call a Boaz, but how do i know if he is MY Boaz? I mean, i don't really know all that much about him. i know we get along pretty well and we both dance and we are both Christian (like hardcore Christian) and we are both really musical (been in music since early elementary school) but i don't know for sure if he'd be my Boaz, and trust me, i don't expect to find my Boaz any time in the immediate future (hey, i'm only 18!) but it just got me thinking, how can i know this about anyone? someone can seem like a Boaz and really be a Bozo. how can anyone really be sure? i know that i'm probably over thinking this entire thing, but that's what i do, i over analyze EVERYTHING.

The Best Day

maybe not, but it's pretty damn close. i don't even know how it is such an amazing day today, since i keep remembering that i have a piano recital thing on tuesday and a paper due for piano due on tuesday. and i have barely started practicing and i haven't started the paper. but today is still an amazing day. i did laundry and talked to one of my best friends and my mom, i'm writing a letter to one of my best friends, i had a very short text conversation with a friend and she still hasn't responded, but w/e. i've spent basically the whole day listening to music and looking at costume patterns with my mom via facebook, she'd send me a link and i'd look at it and decide if it would work or not. we were looking at old fashioned costumes. i'm such a dork, i LOVE old fashioned things. one of my favorite eras of costumes is victorian, they are so elegant and so gorgeous. my mom was also trying to find patterens for stuff for me to wear when i go to lindy stuff, she found some shirts and a pattern for hollywood pants (yes seriously) idk, today was a good day, i'm in a weird/good mood. maybe my mood is a reflection of the weather, maybe i'm excited for dancing tonight. i don't know! but today is still amazing. dancing tonight should be hella fun, as usual, well actually i've had times where i didn't have a good time dancing. i don't even know how it happened, i guess i wasn't in a dancing mood (weird, i know) but i'm really excited to go dancing tonight, i only hope that they play some lindy music, ok i'm gonna be done blathering now, hope you all have a fantastic day!

I think I'll try defying gravity, and you can't pull me down!

in case you couldn't tell i'm really hyper and happy, for a few reasons actually, the main one is i spent the ENTIRE WEEKEND doing lindy hop social dancing and it was EPIC!!!!(if you don't know what lindy is, here, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myJj0mNNe1Y) and they guy i like was there *grins* (and if you know me, like i've been talking to you about it *cough*ellen*cough* you know who it is) it was awesome, it was SOOOOOOOOO much fun, i learned so much more in those three days than i did in like 3 weeks of lindy lessson (sorry evan, but i learn more social dancing) i do believe that lindy is my new favorite dance, yes, that's right, i'm addicted to a dance that is so fast and upbeat that it makes it hard for me to breath sometimes, and no i don't know aerials yet (like jumps and flips, evan even chastised me for not doing a silly pose at the end of our dance, but i was so tired i was afraid i would collapse) and this is how crazy evan is (he's the Monday night lindy teacher)there was a guy in class last night who got his shimmies and his triple steps mixed up (yes, it actually happened) he thought a shimmy was a triple step (and yes i was dancing with this guy at the time, to be fair, he was new) and we were doing something where the girls spin out and the guys just kinda stay there and this guy went "do the guys shimmy when the girls spin?" and evan started cracking up and his face lit up and was like "SURE" and proceeded to demonstrate and becky, the female teacher, kinda sighed and looked at my partner and said "thank you, now he's gonna do that from now on" then evan shimmied again and collapsed on the floor in a fit of laughter and my partner was like "oh, that's a shimmy?" and we all erupted in laughter (well more than we already were) and nodded and the few of us that could catch our breath said "yes, THAT is a shimmy" and he said "i thought THIS was a shimmy" and proceeded to triple step and evan said, THAT is a triple step" it was a great moment and earlier josh had to follow since we were lead heavy, but josh can follow, so there was a huge conversation about that and evan comes out with "josh swings both ways, he leads AND follows" and we all started cracking up cause it is a swing class (haha he swings? nvm) and josh looked like he was about to say something in rebuttal and finally came out with "that...that was clever" in the tone of voice that said "that was too clever to be mad at" it was a great class, i'm glad i went

hmmm, i've been ranting on for so long that i can't remember what the original intention of this post was, or even if i've deviated, oh well, i'll be done now, i'm gonna go be bored out of my mind doing something else