FUCK

ok so for people that have been caught up on my life and know that i told tyler and all that, well i sent one thing and he was being a dumb butt and wasn't answering, so i went with the most direct route possible and i said "i just gotta know, do you like me back or not?" and he sent back "sorry not like that :( you're a sweetheart and all but i'm seeing somebody" ouch, he couldn't have said that in the first place? this was one of those times that makes me glad that it didn't happen face to face cause it made it that much easier. second time i've EVER decided to be outgoing and everything and told a guy that i liked him, both times kinda sucked. maybe i'll just give up and become an old maid....*sigh* idk, i'm just tired of getting hurt, or maybe i'll just stop taking initiative, i've been told that guys like it when you're outgoing enough to say it out right, but from my experience, that isn't always true, well at least whenever i took initiative it didn't end well, both times, however, the guys and i have decided to be friends, and the first instance and i are still friends, he's like my brother now, haha, and for tyler, well we'll see, i asked him if we could still be friends and he's all like "ummm duh :)" and i'm like, don't be cute NOW dumb butt, i didn't actually say that, but jeez, did he have to do something to make me smile THEN?? *sigh* so confusing. all i can say is i <3>

what the HELL am i supposed to do NOW?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

ok so i finally told tyler that i like him, and i sent this:

1) i know this is not exactly the classiest way to go about doing this
2) i know you probably get this a lot from all your fans
3) i also know that you probably already know, because i'm not subtle at all, i try to be, but i fail miserably

but this new, semi-interesting fact is that i like you, as more than a friend. you can take it or leave it, but i'm selective with guys that i like. i've given this a lot of thought, and i wanted to tell you in person, when i introduced you to my friends at the chico idol finals, and during the chico idol semi finals. actually i've been toying with the idea of telling you since you told me you were transferring schools. i really do want to know your reaction to this, obviously, or else i wouldn't have told you. ok i've gone on long enough, just please message me back, asap anyway, cause i know that you're busy. thanks

<3 amanda

he responded with this:

:) well my reaction? basically just surprised you actually told me! no one ever does that anymore haha, but yeah i could tell :p and i think its awesome you had the guts to be straight forward with me about it :)

that didn't tell me an effing thing!!!! what do i do NOW????

fate's a bitch

it so isn't fair how much i like this guy. and if you don't know what guy, go read my previous blog titled "Should I.....?" i want to tell him, but not. i've learned the hard way to guard my heart closely, i don't want to get hurt again. i know its inevitable, but it still sucks. i know it will happen sooner or later, i just tend to lean towards later in this respect. i want to be more outgoing, i NEED to be more outgoing, but for this? can't i just be old fashioned in this one thing?? i'm a total feminist, all for women empowerment and all that jazz. i've been taught, and i believe that women can do everything men can do, some things better, and stuff, but i'm still old fashioned in some respects, like waiting for a guy to ask you for a dance, and wanting a guy to ask you out or something. i've had my share of asking guys out, and got shot down on every single one of them. it sucks......................a lot. i REALLY wanna tell him, but i don't want him to like laugh at me or something, or think that its "cute" i've had that happen too, it sucked, it hurt, i almost socked him. i just one guy to prove to me that they aren't all the same ya know? the reason i'm afraid that that will happen, is cause he's 22, and i'm 18, i don't know why that makes a difference now, but it does to me. this is no worse, or different, than those stupid crushes i had as a freshmen on the seniors in high school, except that this a bit more than a silly crush to me. now i need to grow a spine and tell him, and i was planning on it on friday, but i had friends with me, i wasn't planning on that, and they were practically dragging me out the door, (what a drag, haha, jk christine) so yeah, i'll probably end up telling him eventually, but it won't be in the prefered way (face-to-face) since i never see him, so it will probably be via internet (i know, not the classiest way to go about this, but yeah. thats basically it. and it sucks!

it can't be possible

to be this sick when i've had symptoms for less that 24 hours, it just can't be humanly possible. and yet here i am, which snot running out of my nose, a dry, scratchy, sore throat that hasn't gone away since 8 this morning, and a splitting headache that hasn't gone away since about 1 this afternoon, that makes me feel like my head is going to explode. i almost skipped my last two classes today because i just couldn't deal with it anymore. i somehow fought my way through it, which turned out to be a good thing cause i found out what was going to be on those finals. and instead of going home and going to bed before my dance class like i was planning, i somehow got dragged into watching a movie with erin and joey and going to get mail and visiting kaleen and getting dinner with erin. not that i object to finally getting hang out with ppl, its just i needed to sleep, oh well. i went to dance class and jolene, my teacher, tried to make me ask someone to dance and i was like "no i'm sick" and she's like "what are you doing standing, GO SIT DOWN" so i did, with my metaphorical tail between my legs, i can't believe i just got chastized for trying to make an effort, with out being outgoing of course, then she's like "come here" so i did and she's like "i want you to take notes when we do street hustle" and i was like "on what? i don't have paper, i don't bring my entire backpack" (yes i can get away with talking back to this particular teacher, but this one is about it) and then she asked me, "how many classes have you missed?" and i'm like "none" (except i held up my hand like a zero, but yeah) and she's like "go home....well wait till i go over what the final class will entail, then go home" and i was all "i think i'll stay until the end of the street hustle lesson" and she's like "street hustle isn't till the second hour, go home." so i said "ok" yeah and i came home, after she talked about outside dance events, make up events, ballroom dance night, the final class (not really a final) so yeah after i got home i thought i would get a little better after resting a little bit, i was like "what do i do, i'm usually in class and i'm bored, i could go to sleep, but i don't have to get up tomorrow so i don't really wanna get up at 6" yeah so i talked to ppl and made tea and drank tea and some milk (to try and coat my throat to heal it a little bit) and now i think i'm gonna crash for the night..........................yeah definitely going to sleep now. NIGHT!!!! <3

today was great

omg i had so much fun. went to the high school today and got bombarded with questions from old teachers (and teachers i never had, yay manny and gibby!!) about college. and i went to band and when all the little freshemen flute players went into sectionals, Christine and I played flute with the band, and everyone was "wait the flute section is good now--oh that's why...." it was great. then i went with christine to bother gibby, he's cool, i never had him, but it was fun, and in that class i got a compliment from one of the boys in choir on my mad sight reading skills from the previous day. oh and christine and i decided (ok mainly christine) that today was like "diss chico day" even from the teachers that went there!!!! one of them was "so where do you live?" and i was all "i live at criag--" "OH CRAIG" and walked away, i was like "thanks bitch!!" chico even got dissed by people i don't even know!!! feh, i was like, "can we pick on someone else now?? please?? anyway and then we went and bothered manny, and she made us read timed writes, i hated those, she was never even my teacher, and we walked into mrs. adams' room (english adams) and saw caity tremblay (i <3 her) and sammy (christine's sister, and she'll probably kill me for calling her that since i haven't since i was in girl scouts) and jaime (i <3 her too) that was fun, then lunch i was gonna go bother mr. gissell, but he wasn't in his room and didn't show up immdiately after the bell rang so i gave up on him, then i went to bother my old drama teacher but there was a guest speaker in that class so i got shooed away and told to come back after class (or near the end anyway, i <3 mrs. martin, crazy irish woman, lawlz) and then after i talked to mrs. martin and the rest of my friends in her advanced drama class (namely elbitz, anna, monika and vincent) i went to madrigals and got glomed by like 3 friends. haha i <3 them too. then i went to rhonert park with christine and we saw her friend Adam, and then and got in-n-out (cause they don't have them in Washington?) and then we got el-bitz and got dinner and then went and saw twlight (for the second time for me and el-bitz) christine didn't like it, ellen and i loved it and then we didn't want to go home yet so we went to safeway got chips, cheese and drinks and had a picnic in front of the library (yes we are weird) and we ended up calling random people for the opposite of "intimidating" and we ended up calling ben, except that they wouldn't tell me who it was and i had to guess (it didn't take me long, until christine said "hello, you know me as amanda's friend." which was like her first sentence) it was funny, so now el-bitz and christine officially know why i <3 him so much, lawlz he was really nice and everything about the random call at like 10:30 at night, haha it was great. anyway that was my day and it was great i loved it!!!

so........

i'm kinda excited for thanksgiving break. i don't have to go home till sunday and then i'm coming home that friday (the day after thanksgiving). so i only have to deal with people saying "you never spend time with us," or "you never come home" yadda yadda yadda for 5 days, and at least 1 (maybe 2) of that is going to be spent at the high school visiting friends that i haven't seen in ages!! so i'm all excited about that. i'm gonna visit all my old teachers (well not ALL, but i'm gonna visit b-mac, and mrs. martin for sure, YAY MY PERFORMING ARTS TEACHERS, and maybe mr. ross, just cause he's cool like that) i'm kinda sad that i don't get to visit my church family (i'm coming home after church and leaving for chico before the next sunday) but i'll live. it'll be nice to be somewhere for a while that doesn't have dust everywhere. so basically i'm excited for that.

OH and i'm excited for tomorrow. i auditioned for "The Vagina Monologues" a week ago and the cast list is finally being posted tomorrow!! AND i get to see tyler, i REALLY like him, and i haven't seen him in a few weeks, so i'm excited to see him again. and not only do i get to see him, i get to see him perform. the last time i got to see him perform was for our piano midterm, so that doesn't count, i've never gotten to see him perform his material. (in case you don't know, he writes and performs his own music, AMAZING) so even if i don't get a part in vagina monologues, i still get to see tyler, which should help increase my mood if i don't get a part. so yeah that is my life to come!! hope you enjoyed.

i'm bored

i haven't blogged in a while, so even though i don't have anything to say, i'll say it!! lol. today i went to a blues dance workshop, and if you walked into a dance studio where they were doing blues and you weren't expecting it, there would be some couples that would probably make you think "omfg they are like having sex on the dance floor" which isn't true, at all. i loved the dance it was fun, there were some guys where it was awkward to dance with them, but these people it is awkward to talk to them sometimes, like thats just who they are, they are awkward. but my favorite dance partners were jason, and kevin, well and tim, but tim didn't ask me to dance and kevin asked me like twice and jason once. so yeah it was the closest i had ever danced with someone and it was fun, there was only one dance move that was slightly awkward but thats cause his leg was like in between mine, but it had to be to lead it. that was the only move where the guy (*cough*jason*cough*) stepped on my foot, and of course i was wearing socks cause street shoes aren't allowed in there and i don't have dance shoes so yeah, YAY SOCKS it hurt, it wasn't like the minor not actually on my foot like happened in tango, it was on my foot and some actual weight on it, so yeah he apologized and i almost made a crack, like "oh its just like tango again" he probably would have laughed, but yeah, anyway it was fun, the lunge was fun, the spin into a lunge, not as much, but thats cause the guys would try and catch me when i'd only done one spin and i was supposed to do 2 so yeah, ok that was jason again. he's a ditz, but i love him and i've decided that tim is a show off, i know he saw me during our break and we were headed toward each other and he was walking and he turned and he grabbed the railing next to him and basically flung himself around the corner and i know he wouldn't have if there hadn't been people there, actually i think i was the only one there, but still. he's funny, effing insane, but funny. and omg kevin is insane as well. he's actually taller than i am, which i didn't notice till i was dancing with him literally close enough that there was MAYBE an inch between us SOMETIMES it was fun. haha kevin is like my favorite person to dance with, yeah i love him, lol

oh and on friday (or yesterday depending on when you read this) i sat on campus after my math class and just chilled, i started writing a letter to Christine, it still isn't finished (i promise i'll do that soon, sorry!) but it was fun, i was laying on the grass in front of the PAC building. i love the building, whenever i spend time in there, i like never wanna go home at the end of the day. i love the people in there, and most of the teachers and its just a great place, the people are so interesting and are just fun to be around. so yeah i love the PAC

i had a girls night last night with Kaleen and Robin, it was fun, we started out by hanging out and then kaleen was singing omigod you guys, but she was singing it wrong so i was like NO, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG so she she's like, well then you sing it, and i'm like, no, but i found it on youtube and showed it to her and then she looked up the show (legally blond the musical) and we watched it which robin watched, idk why she was mad at us when i was just showing kaleen the song, but now robin has a crush on the guy that played emmett, so yeah it all worked out, and i told her that he looks kinda like ben, they even dress similar, it was freaky when i made that connection, so now she wants to meet him, lol we stayed up until like 2:30, as soon as we finished the movie..........play..........musical..........SHOW!!!! we started playing MASH, second night in a row!!!! lol so at about 2:30 i was like, BED TIME FOR MEEEEE!!! so i left and came back to my room and went online cause i had to e-mail ben because cayden/caitlin called me early on in girls night to tell me that she knows one of bens best friends from high school or something and to tell me that ben's friend said for her to tell me to watch out for him and i promised cayden that i'd tell ben that katie says hi or something, so yeah i promised that i'd do it before i went to bed, it just happened that i didn't go to bed till 3 am, so yeah i did that before i went to bed, and then i went to bed and then i either completely slept through my alarm the next morning (or later that day depending on how you look at it) or it didn't go off cause i woke up at 10:47 when i set my alarm for 10, that was definitely a no bueno moment so i got up and rushed to get ready and then texted my friends to see if they wanted to eat and then i ate and rushed to the workshop. and then when i came home i played a game with my friends and then we ate dinner, i came back to my room for a bit and then i went to the band concert with kelsey, one of my friends from the apartments, and now i'm talking to bitzke on AIM and eating cookies and drinking cherry coke. but all in all i had a good day/weekend so far

and now i think i'm done, yeah i'm done, hope you enjoyed my day as much as i did!!