what's going on?

i've been feeling weird lately. kinda lonely, but not, kinda sad, but not. i don't know what to do, or what these feelings are coming from and it's frustrating. i had a dream last night and i was at my church in sonoma and someone in my family was getting married (my aunt? weird cause she's already married) anyway, but there was also a play being put on there with chico theatre people. and ben (one of my very best friends) was there to see it since he had friends in it. he came up to me and gave me a hug and asked what i was doing there so i told him and he told me what he was doing there and we sat down to watch a rehearsal of the play and he took my hand and starts caressing it with one hand and puts his other arm around me and i lean up against him and everything, but the entire time i'm thinking that this is really weird since he has a girlfriend (and for the record i don't like her, i don't know why, i just dont) but for the rest of the dream we kept being all lovey and shit, and it was just weird. but i kept having to run off and do stuff for the wedding and he was like following me and helping me and it was a weird dream. oh and there was this guy sitting on the other side of ben who apparently thought we were together or something or thought i had been giving him signs that i wanted to date him and he got really mad when ben and i got all cuddly but he kept saying "you were giving me signs like you wanted to be with me!" and everytime he tried to point something out all i could say was "i did?" or "i was? i'm sorry." i wanna talk to ellen about it, but she's busy in slo and santa barbara and idk when she'll be back. damn, i miss her. it takes a lot for me to feel comfortable enough with people to want to talk about this kind of stuff. but i feel really comfortable talking to her, i can't even usually talk about this kind of stuff with my family which is kinda sad, but ya know, whatevs. i need to widen my circle of people i trust, but i've been hurt so many times that i tend to guard myself closely. but anyway, i want ellen to come home so i can talk to her