my halloween wish(es)

i would give ANYTHING to be genuinely happy again. i haven't been happy in i don't even know how long, and it sucks. the thing is, no one knows that i feel this way, and the ones that do pick up on me being super sad and stuff are always like "what's wrong? cheer up!" and i always want to smack them and say "don't you think that if i could help feeling like this, i would?" i mean, seriously? why on earth would i want to feel this sad and depressed this much? i think part of it is, i just don't feel like i completely belong anywhere, i mean sometimes i think i do, but then i feel like people get tired of me or something. idk, i always think that i have really awesome friends, and then sometimes when we're together i get the feeling like they just wish i would go away. i'm terrified that this is gonna happen with my best friend right now, cause we're kinda getting to the point where my truly awesome friends start forsaking me for new friends or better friends. they'll stop telling me when the group is going somewhere or doing something, and i always try really hard to include everyone in group stuff. i just don't know why i feel like people don't like me, i go through groups of friends super fast, and it sucks, i just wish i knew what i was doing so i could know if i could fix it or not. i just wish people liked me

her heart was left stranded. it was hurt and alone, no one it could turn to, left in turmoil, spiraling into a dark, bottomless abyss.

i'm drowning in a sea of my own sadness, frustration, anger. struggling, gasping for a breath. looking for some release, refuge. "it's all your fault." the doubts scream in my head, "this is all your own doing. what's the matter with you? why can't you just be happy? normal?" i'm so mad! when did my own thoughts decide to turn on me? and why is this MY fault? i scream. my lungs fill with water. i feel arms around my waist, pulling me up and up, toward air, toward refuge from this hell, but it doesn't matter, my lungs burn, and the voices are still screaming in my head. "you're worthless! you'll never be any good at anything. why would someone save you?" i try to shut them up by screaming, "because someone cares! i matter to someone! just SHUT UP!" i'm crying now. someone breathes air into me. i can hear him saying "NO! you are NOT going to die!" i cough and turn over, gasping in air. i can hear him sigh in relief. i look up at my savior, and smile, i haven't seen him in years. Matt. "i thought you had forgotten about me by now." he smiles back and says, "Never."

joy is like being filled to the brim by the ocean. it purs in until you are so full of it that you feel as though you are going to explode.