what's going on?

i've been feeling weird lately. kinda lonely, but not, kinda sad, but not. i don't know what to do, or what these feelings are coming from and it's frustrating. i had a dream last night and i was at my church in sonoma and someone in my family was getting married (my aunt? weird cause she's already married) anyway, but there was also a play being put on there with chico theatre people. and ben (one of my very best friends) was there to see it since he had friends in it. he came up to me and gave me a hug and asked what i was doing there so i told him and he told me what he was doing there and we sat down to watch a rehearsal of the play and he took my hand and starts caressing it with one hand and puts his other arm around me and i lean up against him and everything, but the entire time i'm thinking that this is really weird since he has a girlfriend (and for the record i don't like her, i don't know why, i just dont) but for the rest of the dream we kept being all lovey and shit, and it was just weird. but i kept having to run off and do stuff for the wedding and he was like following me and helping me and it was a weird dream. oh and there was this guy sitting on the other side of ben who apparently thought we were together or something or thought i had been giving him signs that i wanted to date him and he got really mad when ben and i got all cuddly but he kept saying "you were giving me signs like you wanted to be with me!" and everytime he tried to point something out all i could say was "i did?" or "i was? i'm sorry." i wanna talk to ellen about it, but she's busy in slo and santa barbara and idk when she'll be back. damn, i miss her. it takes a lot for me to feel comfortable enough with people to want to talk about this kind of stuff. but i feel really comfortable talking to her, i can't even usually talk about this kind of stuff with my family which is kinda sad, but ya know, whatevs. i need to widen my circle of people i trust, but i've been hurt so many times that i tend to guard myself closely. but anyway, i want ellen to come home so i can talk to her

i don't care

here's the thing, i don't care about drama. i'm trying to stay out of it, but here's the problem, two of my best friends won't stop talking to me about their drama. i love them both dearly, but really? i went to Reno Dance Sensation this last weekend and i was determined that i was gonna have a good time no matter what, but one of those friends also went and she was obsessed with this guy that she USED to date, and he has a new girlfriend, and my friend doesn't like the new gf, frankly i don't like her either, but it is his choice and i'm not gonna let the fact that this new chick is a bitch bring ruin my entire weekend. and she shouldn't have let it bother her either, especially when previously she had been going on an one about this guy that they were together for a while and he wanted to take a break and they probably will get back together. but OH MY GOD, i'm DONE. i can barely deal with my shit (school and friends and the fact that i like someone too) so i sure as hell can't deal with my shit AND someone elses!! jeez guys, figure it out and stop coming to me! i did that thing in high school, but, NEWS FLASH, we're not in high school anymore! sorry, that is my venting moment

Bozo or Boaz?

i went to my church small group and it was Mikaela's turn to share from this book, and the book is called "A Man Worth Waiting For" and basically it is saying to wait for your Boaz, who is this amazing guy in the book of Ruth, and basically the story goes: Ruth and Orpah were married to these guys who were sons of this woman named Naomi and her sons were killed somehow so Naomi was going to go back to the town she was from and she told her daughters in law not to come with her because it would be hard for them to make a life in a place that they did not come from and Orpah stayed in Moab but Ruth clung to Naomi basically saying "where you go, i will follow" so Ruth went with Naomi and since they had no way to make a livlihood (sp? if it's wrong, my spell check isn't fixing it) so the only way they could get food would be to glean the fields, which was basically going behind the reapers (the people who were sowing the crops) and gleaning was when you went behind them and picked up whatever was left. well this guy named Boaz, who was indirectly related to Naomi through her husband, who also died, saw Ruth gleaning the fields and asked why she was doing that and she told him about her and her mother-in-law and he basically told her that she should only glean in his fields and told his worker to not bother her and leave a certain amount of everything they sowed for her to glean, and he said that she could drink water that they had drawn when she got thirsty and he let her eat with them near the end of the day and when she went home to Naomi, Naomi asked her how she had come home with so much food and who had put her in their favor so Ruth told Naomi about Boaz and Naomi told her about the relation an eventually Ruth and Boaz got married and yeah that's basically the end of the story of Ruth (it's a short book) (if you want to read the full story read Ruth, yes all of it, it's only 4 chapters)

this book is also about avoiding the "bozos" who she connects to Prince Amnon who is this totally creepy guy who falls into lust with his SISTER, and gets "sick" and calls her to take care of him, basically taking advantage of the fact that she will take care of him and wants to get her alone so he can try and basically rape her and she says that she will not, that it will disgrace her and him and basically that she would marry him, but that she would not do this thing. he would not listen to her and since he was stronger he raped her, but after he hated her with such a strong hatred that it overpowered the "love" he had felt for her in the first place so he tried to send her out but she said that that would disgrace her even more than what he had already done to her but once again he would not listen and had a servent remove her from his chamber and had the door bolted after her. and the other brother eventually avenged the sister by killing Amnon. (if you want to read the full story read 2 Samuel 13)

and when my church small group was discussing these stories and everything i was thinking about how the Bozo or Boaz could relate to my own life and i came up with the guy i have a crush on and how he is Christian and basically everything that the book would call a Boaz, but how do i know if he is MY Boaz? I mean, i don't really know all that much about him. i know we get along pretty well and we both dance and we are both Christian (like hardcore Christian) and we are both really musical (been in music since early elementary school) but i don't know for sure if he'd be my Boaz, and trust me, i don't expect to find my Boaz any time in the immediate future (hey, i'm only 18!) but it just got me thinking, how can i know this about anyone? someone can seem like a Boaz and really be a Bozo. how can anyone really be sure? i know that i'm probably over thinking this entire thing, but that's what i do, i over analyze EVERYTHING.

The Best Day

maybe not, but it's pretty damn close. i don't even know how it is such an amazing day today, since i keep remembering that i have a piano recital thing on tuesday and a paper due for piano due on tuesday. and i have barely started practicing and i haven't started the paper. but today is still an amazing day. i did laundry and talked to one of my best friends and my mom, i'm writing a letter to one of my best friends, i had a very short text conversation with a friend and she still hasn't responded, but w/e. i've spent basically the whole day listening to music and looking at costume patterns with my mom via facebook, she'd send me a link and i'd look at it and decide if it would work or not. we were looking at old fashioned costumes. i'm such a dork, i LOVE old fashioned things. one of my favorite eras of costumes is victorian, they are so elegant and so gorgeous. my mom was also trying to find patterens for stuff for me to wear when i go to lindy stuff, she found some shirts and a pattern for hollywood pants (yes seriously) idk, today was a good day, i'm in a weird/good mood. maybe my mood is a reflection of the weather, maybe i'm excited for dancing tonight. i don't know! but today is still amazing. dancing tonight should be hella fun, as usual, well actually i've had times where i didn't have a good time dancing. i don't even know how it happened, i guess i wasn't in a dancing mood (weird, i know) but i'm really excited to go dancing tonight, i only hope that they play some lindy music, ok i'm gonna be done blathering now, hope you all have a fantastic day!

I think I'll try defying gravity, and you can't pull me down!

in case you couldn't tell i'm really hyper and happy, for a few reasons actually, the main one is i spent the ENTIRE WEEKEND doing lindy hop social dancing and it was EPIC!!!!(if you don't know what lindy is, here, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myJj0mNNe1Y) and they guy i like was there *grins* (and if you know me, like i've been talking to you about it *cough*ellen*cough* you know who it is) it was awesome, it was SOOOOOOOOO much fun, i learned so much more in those three days than i did in like 3 weeks of lindy lessson (sorry evan, but i learn more social dancing) i do believe that lindy is my new favorite dance, yes, that's right, i'm addicted to a dance that is so fast and upbeat that it makes it hard for me to breath sometimes, and no i don't know aerials yet (like jumps and flips, evan even chastised me for not doing a silly pose at the end of our dance, but i was so tired i was afraid i would collapse) and this is how crazy evan is (he's the Monday night lindy teacher)there was a guy in class last night who got his shimmies and his triple steps mixed up (yes, it actually happened) he thought a shimmy was a triple step (and yes i was dancing with this guy at the time, to be fair, he was new) and we were doing something where the girls spin out and the guys just kinda stay there and this guy went "do the guys shimmy when the girls spin?" and evan started cracking up and his face lit up and was like "SURE" and proceeded to demonstrate and becky, the female teacher, kinda sighed and looked at my partner and said "thank you, now he's gonna do that from now on" then evan shimmied again and collapsed on the floor in a fit of laughter and my partner was like "oh, that's a shimmy?" and we all erupted in laughter (well more than we already were) and nodded and the few of us that could catch our breath said "yes, THAT is a shimmy" and he said "i thought THIS was a shimmy" and proceeded to triple step and evan said, THAT is a triple step" it was a great moment and earlier josh had to follow since we were lead heavy, but josh can follow, so there was a huge conversation about that and evan comes out with "josh swings both ways, he leads AND follows" and we all started cracking up cause it is a swing class (haha he swings? nvm) and josh looked like he was about to say something in rebuttal and finally came out with "that...that was clever" in the tone of voice that said "that was too clever to be mad at" it was a great class, i'm glad i went

hmmm, i've been ranting on for so long that i can't remember what the original intention of this post was, or even if i've deviated, oh well, i'll be done now, i'm gonna go be bored out of my mind doing something else

SPRING BREAK

i am OFFICIALLY on spring break!! well TECHNICALLY spring break started on Friday when i got out of class, but i didn't leave chico till Saturday at like 1 pm. so far it is going great! friday night i hung out with friends till like 3 or 3:30, i love those nights that you lose track of time just hanging out and having a blast. oh and we watched Phantom of the Opera, which was actually the guys' idea, yeah seriously, i love these guys, they are total geeks, and to their credit we did watch a couple of episodes of "Firefly" before Phantom. over half of the shit they were talking about went right over my head, but i still had fun hanging out with all of them. so yeah i woke up and drove Sami to her boyfriend's house and then i left to come HOME!! it is great to be home, but i didn't really get a real break till today since today is the first day i've been home that i didn't spend at my aunt's new house helping her move and get things ready to actually live there! but i've been having fun since my aunt is so incredibly awesome and insane! but i guess the insane comes with being in the family. and today i was going to spend the day hanging out at the high school but i kinda lost track of time and i don't want to bother people at Fiddler rehearsals since opening night is Friday and i know from experience that Mrs. Martin and Mrs. McElroy will be on edge and insane and ready to bite anyone's head off that inhibits productivity so yeah, i skipped out on that, i THINK band is tomorrow morning so i'll probably go to that, and even if it is choir, i'll still go, i'm trying to remember the High School's schedule, and it is BARELY working. ANYWAY, i think this week is going to be fun, especially this weekEND, since i'm going Sacramento Lindy Exchange (SLX, why "x" stands for Exchange, idk so don't ask) yeah i'm all excited for that, three days of full on lindy hopping!! lindy is a recent skill i've acquired, so i'm not very good, but i want to get better! yeah basically my spring break is full of fun (and not so much fun) things to do, and it's only half over! i'm excited now, the only thing that i wish were different was that i wish that i got to hang out with my friends more, hmmm, i might try and get a hold of some of them, but idk if it will work out that way. oh well, what happens, happens, right?

i'm having issues

this is nothing like my usual issues that have something to do with boy drama or some shit like that, this is a bit more extreme. i went to school friday morning thinking that everything was going to be fine i had three classes and the first part of a career workshop so i knew i wasn't gonna get home till like 5:30 or 6. so i got home and i was gonna go to dinner with my friends, but i needed to drop my stuff off at my room first and Anna, one of my suitemates, told me that Bethany, my other suitemate, was in the hospital for alcohol poisoning and she asked me if we could go visit her the next day, i had the second part of the career workshop and a choir thing the next day, but i told her that i would e-mail my teacher to see if i could go late so i did and went to dinner with my friends and told them what happened, so we were at dinner and one of the RAs, who is one of Bethany's best friends, came up to me and asked if i had heard about Bethany and i said "yeah, Anna just told me" so Alex, the RA said that they thought that Bethany was dead since her BAC was somewhere around .43% (and most people are dead before .40%) or something and i later found out that her breathing rate was 5 per minute when if your breathing rate is 6 or less per minute, you're basically dead. so when i heard that i freaked out, like, i'm a natural worryer, i worry over the stupidest shit there is so this really had me freaked out, Erin, one of my friends who is also an EMT said "oh, she'll be fine" and i KNEW that she'd be okay, but i'm basicially a mother so if there is a problem, i have to fix it, and there was a problem and i COULDN'T fix it, so yeah, i was freaking out. but i went on with life as normal and did the thing the next day and Anna texted me the next day to see when i could go visit Bethany, and i said well i'm in this thing till 3:30 but i talked to my choir teacher and he said it was okay to show up late, so she texted back and said, "oh, nevermind, she's coming home today" so i did the rest of my shit for that day and then i didn't actually see her till Sunday and i want to talk to her about it and everything, like, i just want to let her know that she had me worried and that i care about her, but she has so many people talking to her about it that i'm sure she is tired of it, so i think i'm just gonna treat her like nothing happened, which is what i think she needs, *sigh* i don't know, it was a stressful weekend

thank god for wake up calls

so you guys remember that boy issue i had a while back, so i was the saddest excuse for a human ever, cause over 3 months later, i still wasn't over him, and i was talking to him via myspace and he called me melissa! hello? how do you forget someone's name when you had THREE classes with them, AND they told you that they had a MAJOR crush on you? for some STRANGE reason i would think that that would stick in your memory! just a little bit! so i've decided that if he can't even remember my name after all this time, that he is SOOOOOOOOO not worth my time! like i said, THANK GOD FOR WAKE UP CALLS, and all i can say is that IT'S ABOUT FREAKING TIME, ok i'm done

for your information

i have another blog, i will still be posting on this one for everyday stuff, or just random updates, but the other one will be used for stories, lyrics, or anything creative that pops into my head, so i just wanted to let all y'all know and give you guys the link, if you care to check it out occasionally, so the link is http://daringdancer.wordpress.com thanks for caring! (if you do that is)

i keep wanting to think of really thought provoking titles,and fail

i love acting, and singing, and dancing, and you would think "oh, that's a great combination for broadway stars, you should do that if you love those things so much" and you would be right, if i were good at any of those things, i LOVE performing, even though i get HORRIBLE stage fright, and i can deal with it when i'm acting, because i'm not ME, i'm someone else, but when i'm singing, i AM me, and everyone knows i'm me, everyone knows that music is my life, so its hard to pretend to be someone else, and when i dance, well i dance ballroom, so for me, its just me and my partner, no one else, so i don't get as nervous, and when i did ensemble dancing, i didn't worry about it, till afterward, if that makes sense, i'm very self conscious, but usually only after the fact, because i know i'm not skinny, and i don't have the best posture, and stuff like that, hmmm, i have digressed again, i was going to talk about how much i love theatre and how much i love acting and stuff like that, well i guess i will just start over from here, haha. ANYWAY, i LOVE acting, when you completely NAIL a performance, it is the BEST feeling in the world, at least to me it is, it's like a natural high and it makes me so happy, NOTHING can bring me down. but i'm not very good, i've auditioned for plays and musicals, and for plays i don't usually get a part (unless it is in a drama class) and for musicals, i've always been ensemble, in the last musical i was in (West Side Story) i was ensemble, but it was the half of the ensemble that didn't sing, yes that's right, i was a Jet Girl, this was one of the only times in my life i was frustrated at my ethnicity, WHY did i have to be scottish? i just HAD to be one of the whitest girls in the production, and what made it worse, was there was a guy that is whiter than i am and was a shark, tell me how that makes sense? (sorry i have digressed...AGAIN, haha) anyway, i love acting, and being up on stage is the best feeling in the world, and i'd love to do it as a career, but that isn't exactly a stable industry, and i'm not good enough to make a career out of it, *sigh* maybe some day

hmmmm

its curious isn't it? how we (well at least i) can feel happy, ecstatic even, i feel like dancing and singing and bouncing, i feel happy and giggly, i want to laugh out loud and just be loud and crazy and happy, but i also feel like crying my fucking eyes out. i have a vague idea where the crying feeling is coming from, and i KNOW that i need to get over him, and that whole thing that happened. i mean JEEZ its been 2 MONTHS, i should totally be over this, but i can't, usually i'm a fighter, if someone breaks my heart, i suck it up and move on, and yeah i've tried to do that, and i have, to a point, but usually after 2 months my heart doesn't ache anymore, but this time it's different, and this is also the first time i've ever liked a guy with a girlfriend, well first time to my knowledge, and true in my defense i didn't know that he had a gf when i told him that i liked him, and usually if i find something like that out, then my i back off, immediately, and then my feelings fade relatively quickly, i'm not one to fall for someone else's guy, but this time its different...................ok this was SO not the point of this blog, but w/e, i tend to let my mind go crazy in these things and the focus tends to shift, hahaha, well that's me i guess, lol

i can't think of a suitable title for this blog

i miss dancing. i haven't danced since the 18th of december, i miss it! i miss hanging out and having fun with my dancing friends, i can be myself around them, i feel totally at ease when i dance, even though i shouldn't because i'm not graceful AT ALL, but when i'm dancing i FEEL graceful, and no one makes any snide comments about how clumsy i am. i KNOW i'm not the best dancer in the world, but no one holds that against me, guys ask me (ME!) to dance, even knowing how i talk and laugh loudly, and i trip over my own feet, if i screw up i laugh and then they laugh with me, and the same goes for if they screw up (most of the time, this mostly happens with jason) and since we are all there to learn i ask them to tell me what i'm doing wrong (my usual offense is back-leading oops!) and then they ask me to tell them what they are doing wrong, and their usual offense is that they don't have strong enough frame, but usually i'm just having fun learning new things and making new friends. my mom was being amazingly sweet and was looking up places where i could dance over break and i was all like "thanks mom, but i miss my chico dancing group, my west coast swing friends, and studio one is so much fun (even though i've only been once) i didn't even dance that much (curse of being shy) but when i did i had fun, except for one incident, yeah this ALWAYS asks me to dance, and he's kind of a creeper, but i said yes when he asked me anyway and led me into a basket whip, and i couldn't go as far over to the side as i normally would because there was a couple right there so i made it smaller, and he, well, didn't, so i stepped on his feet, and then he did something and i ran into a couple on one side of us, and he tried to fix it, but over corrected and i ran into the couple on the other side of us, yeah by this point i was glad the song was going to end soon (yes i can usually tell) so that was the only dance i danced with him that night, and i was embarassed when ever i saw any of the people i ran into for the rest of the night (even though it wasn't my fault) but that was a great day, with two of my best dancing buddies, jackie and sami, total unplanned, unintentional girl's night right there, it was great, but i seem to have digressed, i was going to talk about how much i love dancing and why. the why's are basically because when i have a really good leader that won't let me back-lead or anything its great, i have a blast and most of the guys i know that i dance with that are amazing leaders (*cough*jason and kevin*cough*) will laugh with me when i can't get something right, and will work with me until i do, or at least until we change partners, jason and i were both learning this new move and neither of us could get it right and we finally figured out how to do it and then we changed partners and this guy led it slightly differently and it was like "WTF IS GOING ON?? I'M SO CONFUSED" (in my head obviously, but you get the point) but it was still fun, i love dancing, i've always been a fan of dancers, the way they can move their bodies, the seemingly effortless way they hold themselves and glide across the floor, and i love dancing a lot too, i know i'll never be the world's best dancer or anything, but taht doesn't matter, as long as i have fun, and can be myself while doing it, that's fine by me! and seeing as how i lost my original train of thought i'll stop now, if it comes back to me i'll post another blog post or something