i've decided............

that my piano final is going to kick my ass. i have less than 24 hours to practice major and harmonic minor scales, ALL of the chord progressions, learn my harmonization exercise in TWO keys (and i don't even know if i have the chords right) AND learn/memorize my solo recital piece (and i can do both hands, just NOT TOGETHER) and get it down so well that i can do ALL of this in SIX FUCKING MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!! there is NO WAY in hell i can do this, maybe i'll just give up and retake piano 1 next year. OH and i need to find time to write my English paper, eat and sleep, FUCKING A!!!!!!!!!! at least i'm not all that worried about my theory or aural musicianship finals. but piano is going to KICK MY ASS!!!! i'll be SOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad when this week is over, actually i'll be fucking ecstatic when tuesday is over. yeah that's basically it. have a good fucking day.

synchroblog 3: Christmas

a lot of people spend christmas with their mom and dad and brothers and sisters (if they have them) well the last time it was only my mom and dad and sister (past tense so yes sister) was when i was 3 years old. since then i've NEVER had a small family get together, and it seems that as i get older we ADD more people. people move closer to us, or something, idk. since then it has almost always been me, my sister, my momma, my grandpa, my grandma, my aunt and uncle, and since sixth grade, my cousin. on christmas eve my family would make tamale pie, i didn't used to like it, but now i do, and then my mom and aunt would go next door and exchange presents with them, while my sister, grandparents and i would put up the stockings and put out the cookies for santa. there was one year that i wanted to write a letter for santa to read that night, not an "i want this for christmas" kind of letter, just something for him read and spend some time relaxing for a few extra seconds. i woke up the next morning and he had written back! i was so happy. then for christmas day my sister would always wake me up, and i'd try to ignore her (i was never a morning person, not even on christmas day) then we'd have to wake my mom up and they'd watch us open our stockings, while they opened theirs (santa came for children of all ages in our house) and every year santa would forget that my mom was allergic to oranges and tangerines, so my sister and i would always take them. oh and every year we always got a teddy bear in our stockings, there was only one year where it was an exception and we got stuffed dogs, that was my favorite stuffed animal, and would still be my favorite stuffed animal if i could find it :( then my sister and i would take everyone's stockings and empty the nuts in the toes into our nut bowl in our kitchen, and we'd take everyone's fruit and put it in their respective places. oranges in the bowl in the kitchen, apples in the fridge, and so on. then after we had finished with that, we would all get together and eat breakfast, homemade waffles, fried eggs and sausage. my grandpa would cook the sausage ahead of time and would put it in the oven on broil so it would stay warm, and my grandma would make the eggs after she made the waffle batter, and my grandpa would sit at the head of the table making the waffles on the waffle maker that they got for their wedding (yes it still works!) we'd sit around our table and eat and talk and laugh and then we would all help with the dishes and afterward my sister and i would hand out the presents and we would all sit in the living room and open our presents. the rest of the day was spent cleaning up and finding places to keep all of our new goodies. and for dinner we have turkey or ham or something, and this is a holiday tradition (we have it for thanksgiving as well) we have jell-o salad, well technically ribbon salad. its great it is three layers and for christmas, we have red jell-o on the bottom, the classic middle white layer, that i still don't know whats in it, besides pineapple and pineapple juice, and then on top its green (and the way we get my grandma to remember is "the green of the christmas tree" and for thanksgiving it is the same, but the red and green jell-o layers are switched) then our family from oregon comes down for new years and we usually do a separate christmas with them. but i guess to me christmas is about being with family, and i know this is gonna sound awful, but it just isn't the holidays unless someone fights, it happens every year, and while i hate it, i've come to expect it, and just kind of let it happen. but at the end of the day, we still love each other

i would post what other people are doing this, but idk yet, not very many so far.

MERRY CHRISTMAS (or if you celebrate anything other than christmas HAPPY (insert holiday here)!!!!!!)

FUCK

ok so for people that have been caught up on my life and know that i told tyler and all that, well i sent one thing and he was being a dumb butt and wasn't answering, so i went with the most direct route possible and i said "i just gotta know, do you like me back or not?" and he sent back "sorry not like that :( you're a sweetheart and all but i'm seeing somebody" ouch, he couldn't have said that in the first place? this was one of those times that makes me glad that it didn't happen face to face cause it made it that much easier. second time i've EVER decided to be outgoing and everything and told a guy that i liked him, both times kinda sucked. maybe i'll just give up and become an old maid....*sigh* idk, i'm just tired of getting hurt, or maybe i'll just stop taking initiative, i've been told that guys like it when you're outgoing enough to say it out right, but from my experience, that isn't always true, well at least whenever i took initiative it didn't end well, both times, however, the guys and i have decided to be friends, and the first instance and i are still friends, he's like my brother now, haha, and for tyler, well we'll see, i asked him if we could still be friends and he's all like "ummm duh :)" and i'm like, don't be cute NOW dumb butt, i didn't actually say that, but jeez, did he have to do something to make me smile THEN?? *sigh* so confusing. all i can say is i <3>

what the HELL am i supposed to do NOW?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

ok so i finally told tyler that i like him, and i sent this:

1) i know this is not exactly the classiest way to go about doing this
2) i know you probably get this a lot from all your fans
3) i also know that you probably already know, because i'm not subtle at all, i try to be, but i fail miserably

but this new, semi-interesting fact is that i like you, as more than a friend. you can take it or leave it, but i'm selective with guys that i like. i've given this a lot of thought, and i wanted to tell you in person, when i introduced you to my friends at the chico idol finals, and during the chico idol semi finals. actually i've been toying with the idea of telling you since you told me you were transferring schools. i really do want to know your reaction to this, obviously, or else i wouldn't have told you. ok i've gone on long enough, just please message me back, asap anyway, cause i know that you're busy. thanks

<3 amanda

he responded with this:

:) well my reaction? basically just surprised you actually told me! no one ever does that anymore haha, but yeah i could tell :p and i think its awesome you had the guts to be straight forward with me about it :)

that didn't tell me an effing thing!!!! what do i do NOW????

fate's a bitch

it so isn't fair how much i like this guy. and if you don't know what guy, go read my previous blog titled "Should I.....?" i want to tell him, but not. i've learned the hard way to guard my heart closely, i don't want to get hurt again. i know its inevitable, but it still sucks. i know it will happen sooner or later, i just tend to lean towards later in this respect. i want to be more outgoing, i NEED to be more outgoing, but for this? can't i just be old fashioned in this one thing?? i'm a total feminist, all for women empowerment and all that jazz. i've been taught, and i believe that women can do everything men can do, some things better, and stuff, but i'm still old fashioned in some respects, like waiting for a guy to ask you for a dance, and wanting a guy to ask you out or something. i've had my share of asking guys out, and got shot down on every single one of them. it sucks......................a lot. i REALLY wanna tell him, but i don't want him to like laugh at me or something, or think that its "cute" i've had that happen too, it sucked, it hurt, i almost socked him. i just one guy to prove to me that they aren't all the same ya know? the reason i'm afraid that that will happen, is cause he's 22, and i'm 18, i don't know why that makes a difference now, but it does to me. this is no worse, or different, than those stupid crushes i had as a freshmen on the seniors in high school, except that this a bit more than a silly crush to me. now i need to grow a spine and tell him, and i was planning on it on friday, but i had friends with me, i wasn't planning on that, and they were practically dragging me out the door, (what a drag, haha, jk christine) so yeah, i'll probably end up telling him eventually, but it won't be in the prefered way (face-to-face) since i never see him, so it will probably be via internet (i know, not the classiest way to go about this, but yeah. thats basically it. and it sucks!

it can't be possible

to be this sick when i've had symptoms for less that 24 hours, it just can't be humanly possible. and yet here i am, which snot running out of my nose, a dry, scratchy, sore throat that hasn't gone away since 8 this morning, and a splitting headache that hasn't gone away since about 1 this afternoon, that makes me feel like my head is going to explode. i almost skipped my last two classes today because i just couldn't deal with it anymore. i somehow fought my way through it, which turned out to be a good thing cause i found out what was going to be on those finals. and instead of going home and going to bed before my dance class like i was planning, i somehow got dragged into watching a movie with erin and joey and going to get mail and visiting kaleen and getting dinner with erin. not that i object to finally getting hang out with ppl, its just i needed to sleep, oh well. i went to dance class and jolene, my teacher, tried to make me ask someone to dance and i was like "no i'm sick" and she's like "what are you doing standing, GO SIT DOWN" so i did, with my metaphorical tail between my legs, i can't believe i just got chastized for trying to make an effort, with out being outgoing of course, then she's like "come here" so i did and she's like "i want you to take notes when we do street hustle" and i was like "on what? i don't have paper, i don't bring my entire backpack" (yes i can get away with talking back to this particular teacher, but this one is about it) and then she asked me, "how many classes have you missed?" and i'm like "none" (except i held up my hand like a zero, but yeah) and she's like "go home....well wait till i go over what the final class will entail, then go home" and i was all "i think i'll stay until the end of the street hustle lesson" and she's like "street hustle isn't till the second hour, go home." so i said "ok" yeah and i came home, after she talked about outside dance events, make up events, ballroom dance night, the final class (not really a final) so yeah after i got home i thought i would get a little better after resting a little bit, i was like "what do i do, i'm usually in class and i'm bored, i could go to sleep, but i don't have to get up tomorrow so i don't really wanna get up at 6" yeah so i talked to ppl and made tea and drank tea and some milk (to try and coat my throat to heal it a little bit) and now i think i'm gonna crash for the night..........................yeah definitely going to sleep now. NIGHT!!!! <3