meh

i miss the stability of high school. you had a set schedule, someone to tell you what you needed to do, and if you weren't doing it, they called you in and talked about it. that isn't what this blog is really about, that was just a side note. but i do miss having friends that i saw everyday at school, i knew when they were free, i could go up to them and talk to them, and if i was having a crappy day, they would help, or try too and some would just listen and some would just give me a hug, that is what i miss most of all, the hugs, there aren't very many people here that will just give you hug, i know one person, and i never see him. and that's his normal greeting, is a hug, he doesn't seem to give it a second thought. i like being in sonoma, because i see doug and if i need a hug, i don't even need to tell him, i can just go up to him and give him a hug, and he gives really good hugs. i want to cry, i want to curl up in a ball and wait for it all to be over. and most of all i'm tired of being the "mom" despite the fact that no one here really knows me as the "mom" besides my roomie and vanessa, i still have that persona, and to me that means i can't just collapse in a puddle and cry my eyes out. i guess i should tell you why i want to collapse and cry. basically my roommate is a bitch. its been building up for a while, like she'll come in at 3 am and wake me up (not intentionally but still) and she'll have people in our room when i'm trying to sleep, when she knows i'm trying to sleep and have a class the next morning, but last night i was in bed trying to get to sleep, but my acid reflux was acting up and it was making me sick, and she had people in here and she was talking and the subject came up that she think i'm eating her food, and she wants to film me (secretly obviously) to see if i really am, first of all i am not! and why would she think i was after she lets everyone else at craig eat her food too! basically i have an amazing amount of patience and she's getting dangerously close to the breaking point, but i don't want to ask for a room change because to me that is accepting defeat and it might prove to her that i heard her and i think it would tell her that i am eating her food even tho i'm not, so basically today i've been close to tears all day. and i want to go back to sonoma with my friends that i've known for 4+ years that will tell me what i should do and give me a hug and let me cry it out. meh i just can't deal with it anymore